You're no prince, but I think I like it like that

I grew up always wanting a prince. I envisioned him as this perfect tall dark and handsome man who would sweep me off my feet, who would have perfect fashion sense (princes do not dress poorly!) and who would do me no wrong. I'm sure most girls grew up wanting this and they might still do. I did--up until a few days ago. I was sitting in my room writing music. I haven't written in a while so I was going through some writer's block. I started thinking about the people in my life...more specifically the males. I don't have any special someone in my life right now--just some really great guy friends. I thought about them individually and I thought of men together as a whole. I realized that I could name at least one 'fault' about every man I knew. I then caught myself thinking "one day I will meet my perfect man". I realized how horrible and unrealistic that sounds. I realized that I expect men to be perfect, to be a prince. I automatically felt really ashamed that I put that much pressure on the men in my life now and the men who will be in my future. I am not perfect so who am I to expect my counter part to be perfect? This came into context this past week. My friend and I have been going through a rough patch. Things still aren't fixed but I realized that I was about to give up on our friendship because we are going through ONE hard time. Who am I?? Why am I being so...bratty? People aren't perfect, friendships aren't perfect. Yet, there I was, about to quit on someone who has been so great to me this past year or so of our friendship.

I love fairytales. I have a Disney princess poster hanging on my wall at school. I am constantly watching Disney movies. This next semester I am taking a class on fairytales. I LOVE them. But, they don't exist. I am no perfect princess. I mess up. I say and do things without thinking. I hurt people who I love. Because I am this way, I can't expect a man NOT to be this way. The man I eventually fall in love with and marry will at times hurt my feelings. And I'm sure I will hurt his. We will fight. We won't be perfect. He will be no prince, but I think I like it like that. I am not perfect and if he was, I would feel horrible that I cannot live up to his perfection. We will fight, we will hurt each other's feelings, we will say things we don't mean. But that is life. That is how people work. And now that I am realizing all of this, it makes me hopeful. I don't have to be perfect and whatever man is in my future does not have to be a prince.

New post?! Whoa!

I don't post a lot. Honestly, I totally forgot about my blog. But today as I woke up from the sound of shattered glass (my roommate's mirror broke) and couldn't fall back asleep, I was reminded that I have one week left until I go home for a month. ONE WEEK. A lot of people are excited about break. Me, well I have mixed feelings about it. I am excited to see my family and my best friends and go home to my little town. At the same time, I'm sad to leave New York and everything that is good here. I live in the perfect location, I am surrounded by everything (Pinkberry is one block away!) and well, let's be honest, Pennsylvania is boring. Don't get me wrong, I love my hometown. But compared to the city, there is nothing to do. Another things is, my friends. I don't want to leave them for a MONTH. That is a long time especially since some of them I hang out with 3 or 4 times a week. Another thing I don't want to leave...yoga. I NEVER thought I would get into yoga. But I have and I have fallen in love. I take classes 3 times a week downtown and I absolutely love it. It is so great to exercise and work and relax all at the same time. It is amazing what yoga can do for the body. I don't want to leave that! Also, church. I JUST found a church. (Literally two weeks ago..) It is such a great place and it fits me perfectly! I don't want to leave when I just found the place! And the last thing I am sad to leave...Our Time. These past few months, I have been volunteering for Our Time every week. I love seeing the kids create and write and be so confident. I was not confident at the age and it warms my heart to see them each week write incredible songs, plays, or poems. I look forward to Our Time every week. The kids just mean so much to me and the fact that I have to leave that for a month makes me really sad. It isn't only the kids, it is the other volunteers, too. Some of them have become my closest friends in the city. It will be sad not to see them and work with them every week. So this is my last week. Today is my last Tuesday yoga class. Tomorrow will be my last small group. And Saturday...my last Our Time. I know it isn't forever but a month to me seems like such a long time! It was a rough semester, I will be honest. But lately it has been so good. I love where I live and the people I am blessed to be friends with. It will be a long month away from all of this. See you later New York.

I can't think of a title..

That's my new home. Well, it's the view from my window anyways. I'm now one of the zillion people who live in New York City. I'm going on Week 4 and well, it's been interesting.

I've always loved the City. The first time I came here, I told my parents that I will live here. And now I do and it's awesome.

This past week it seems as if my life keeps taking a turn in the opposite direction that I want it to. One bad things keeps happening after the other. When I think, "well, it can't get any worse than this", it does. I think I have cried more this past week than I have in the past few months. I know that everything happens for a reason but I just can't seem to find the reason for my having a horrible week. This is usually the part where a person tells of all the bad things that have been going on. I'm not. I don't want your pity. The bad things aren't even the point of this blog post.

I was walking to school today and was not in a good mood. I was tired, upset, and really not in the mood to sit through my math class. There are always people on the streets handing out fliers or postcards or some sort of advertisement. I never stop and take what they are handing out. There was an older gentlemen on the same block as my school, handing out something. I don't know why, but I stopped and took out my headphones and listened to what the man had to say. He was handing out copies of the New Testament and looked me right in the eyes and said "God loves you. Have a great day" It wasn't much, in fact I really can't remember what the man looked like. It was just a reminder that God is bigger than all this. God is bigger than all my worries. I really think that God is the one who told me to stop and listen to the man. I really think that God put that man there at the time I had to go to class for a reason. I needed to be reminded that I have a loving God.

Life is going to be difficult. I'm going to have horrible weeks. But I need to lean on my faith and know that everything will work out.

Texas and ABC

This past weekend has been crazy! Last Wednesday I went to New York to stay with my good friend Alison in the Bronx. We needed some major girl time so it was awesome to stay with her. On Thursday morning, her father drove us to La Guardia Airport. We were headed to Fort Worth, Texas with a few other members of Our Time for the National Stuttering Association (NSA) Conference.

Texas was HOT. It was over 100 every day. The weird thing was that it wasn't humid. It was a really strange heat. Our hotel was gorgeous. It was the nicest hotel I have ever been in. On Thursday night, Our Time performed. The boys read an email from Joe Pop (who was in Hawaii and had to miss the conference), I read my speech from the gala, and the girls and I sang a song. It was pretty awesome. You'd think we would be nervous to perform in front of 850 people but we had so much fun, the fact that it was in front of so many people didn't even daze us.

Friday, we went to workshops (which were incredible by the way) then that night we had the honor of having dinner with David Seidler. For those who don't know who he is, SHAME ON YOU! Just kidding. :) David Seidler is the amazing Oscar Award winning writer of The King's Speech. If you haven't seen that movie, Ihighly recommend it.Anyways, Our Time and David went to an Italianrestaurant that was delicious! David was so funny and charming and probably the nicest, sweetest man.

Saturday was full of more workshops including the opportunity to run a workshop for siblings of kids who stutter. We played some theater games and racing games and it was really fun! Saturday night was the closing ceremony and the dance. During the closing ceremony, my good friend, Phil read a poem that he wrote. Now, I'm not one to get emotional over a poem or a book or even movies. I will suckup my pride and admit that Phil's poem made me tear up. It was so honest and so real that it struck something in me. It was absolutely incredible.

The dance was so much fun!! Phil, Alison, and I were dancing till at least 1am. It was one of the best nights I have had in a long time.

Sunday came and it was time to fly home. Alison and I got a cab to drive us back to her place. That was an adventure in itself. What cab driver doesn't have a GPS?! We got lost and had to drive in the ghetto which was...interesting to saythe least! We finally got back to Alison's apartment and had a pb&j sandwich and just relaxed! I adoreAlison and her family. I miss them!

Monday was a big day for me. Two weeks ago, I was invited to audition for the ABC show "What Would You Do?" for their stuttering scenario. My audition was on Monday. Alison and I headed to ABC studios and I was freaking out the whole time. I walked in there and saw 12 professional actors auditioning for the same thing. At that point, I told myself that there was NO WAY I could get it. For the audition, there was an employee, a stutterer, and 2 bullies. When they called me in for the first time, we went through the scenario and it brought back a lot of memories from my past. I was bullied a lot for my stuttering and it was hard to hear everything they were saying even though it was just acting. The producers and directors told me to wait outside after my audition. I went out in the waiting area and I talked to a girl who was so nice! She was auditioning for a bully which was very ironic--she was the sweetest girl! I told her how hard it was to hear all that stuff and she was so supportive. I was called in again and she was called in as well. She told me a zillion times "I don't mean any of it! I'm sorry!" I laughed and told her to be as mean as she can! We ran through the scene and afterwards I was pulled aside by one of the people working for the show and she told me right there that I got the part! We film in a couple weeks. The best part: I get paid to stutter! As far as me being able to handle it, I realize that it is acting and I have confidence that I will be fine!

After my audition, Alison and I called EVERYONE! haha. We then met my mom for dinner and then spent some time in Central Park. My time in Texas and New York has been unforgettable. I got to spend a lot of time with one of my best friends and I miss her a lot!

Ridiculous Ramblings

I usually don't post about SUPER personal stuff so I have no idea why I'm doing this. Lately I have been struggling with something that may seem petty and totally ridiculous but it has been driving me insane.

I'm starting to become interested in a guy that I know I have no future with. I don't want to like him, but my stupid girl emotions take over me. I know what some of you are thinking--this guy must be bad news! He's not. Actually, as far as personality, he's pretty much perfect for me. But there is still something that tells me that he won't be the one I end up with and marry and have any type of future with.

This afternoon I was talking to a really good friend on the phone about this. She has actually been talking to me for days trying to make me admit that I actually like the dude. Now that I have (somewhat) admitted it, she got to hear the brunt of my dilemma. Do I date someone I KNOW I have no future with? Am I dating for fun or am I dating to find my future husband? Is it okay to date someone just for fun? I don't even know if it is fair to that guy to date him just for fun. I mean, I'm not going to date someone I have no romantic feelings for. I just don't see him as a future husband. I know that I am 18 and I am young but what's the point of dating if it's not to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with?

My best friend is gone the whole summer. As of right now, I can only communicate with him via letters. In two weeks, I wrote him two LONG letters filling him in on all this. He is the one that I get my advice from and he isn't here to tell me that I'm being stupid and thinking too much into it. He isn't here to tell me to shut up and stop worrying. (He tends to say that a lot--he's the one who gets to see me when I'm at my worst!) As I write the letters, I can see him shaking his head and laughing to himself at how ridiculous I am. He laughs at me a lot. :)

So what do I do? Do I follow my heart and allow myself to want to date him? Or do I follow my brain that tells me that I'm just wasting my time?

It's beyond ridiculous, I know. I suppose I just have to put it aside and out of my head and see what happens. I may be worrying over nothing. I can't keep worrying about something that may never happen. I'm done being pathetic now. My next post will be more interesting, promise. :)

I'm blogging at 1am...

Lately I've been in the mood to blog. I just really enjoy it! I am part delirious and part exhausted so this should be interesting.

I wanted to start off by talking about my goal in life. I really think it has taken me 18 years to figure it out. My goal in life is to make a difference. I want to impact people and make a difference in their lives. I love helping others and by helping others, I learn so much about myself. Every conversation I have with someone is an opportunity. I love hearing people's stories and how they came to be who they are today. Honestly, I just love to listen. It is so intriguing to me to learn about a person and what makes them who they are. I love to have coffee with people and talk for hours.

Today I had coffee with a good friend. We talked about God and having Christ centered relationships. This friend and I don't usually have serious conversations. We usually mess around and act stupid together. But today I learned that I adore talking about God with others. I really think it is a way to build a relationship with not only that person but with God, too. By growing and learning together, it makes both relationships stronger. I think having a friendship that is strong on both the serious side and the comedic side is a pretty great friendship.

I want to make an impact. I want to learn and grow as a person by hearing and learning from others. I want to challenge my friends as they challenge me. I want to know that when I leave this earth, I have done my absolute best. I want to leave a legacy. What will my legacy be? That is something I will have to think about and decide what legacy I want to leave and how I will go about that.

I am leaving for college in the fall. I am moving from a small town to the big city. I am pumped. At the same time, I am nervous. This is my chance to start over and really connect with people and make a difference. I have lived here my whole life. I have made many mistakes. I have learned so much. I can use what I learned from living here and apply it to my life in New York.

I realize that this blog is sort of a mumble jumble mess and completely random. But as my night went on and I was thinking about my life, I realized that I need to do more. I need to create a legacy and start impacting people's lives. I'm not out to save the world but I think by impacting others, I will learn so much! I want to learn more about people. I want to build relationships with people that I wouldn't usually talk to. I need to get out of my comfort zone and start a life that has meaning.

I am a complete worry wart. I worry about everything. Today I was really worrying about some things. As I was worrying and being somewhat pathetic, a verse popped in my head.

"I have told you all of this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." John 16:33

I love this verse! In fact, I really want a tattoo of it. It is a reminder that there is no need to worry. God is in control. I truly believe that if I lean on him and grow closer to him, I will be able to make more of an impact.

The moral of this blog post is that I realize that I need to be doing more. I am here for a purpose and I need to be building relationships and stepping out of my comfort zone if I want to make a difference. It is nearly 1am..this is the second night in a row that I have stayed up late thinking. The juices are a flowing and so many thoughts are going through my head! I am a mix of emotions for what is going to come in the future--but I am excited to see what God has in store.

The End of the World

I never post this close together but I feel the need to talk about this. The "End of the World" is supposedly going to occur this Saturday. All this talk about it made me want to talk about it and what I believe and my faith.

I don't like labels but this one I am proud of. I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I don't define myself as 'religious' and I don't think a specific denomination is the 'right' one. I believe in the Bible and I have a personal relationship with Jesus. I strive every day to live a life that is pleasing to Him. I try to love like He loved. I try my best not to judge people and to accept them for who they are. I'm by no means perfect. I mess up. I say things I don't mean. But by Jesus dying for my sins, I can be forgiven and live in eternity with Him. Sometimes, I question my faith. In the past, I have fallen away. But God always brings me back. He shows me His unfailing love. He has shown me that no matter what I do, He will love me and call me His own. Some people question me about my beliefs and all I can tell them is my story. God has shown me his existence, through circumstances, so many times. (I would love to share those stories sometime with you, if you would like.)

I know that Jesus is going to come back again and take his believers with Him to live in eternity. However, I think I assumed that it wouldn't be in my lifetime. This whole end of the world thing, which is supposedly happening on Saturday, made me realize that He could come back at anytime. I don't think he is coming back on Saturday. My main reason is because in the Bible it says that no one will know the day or the hour. (Matthew 24:35-36) But He can return at any moment. The talk about Saturday opened my eyes to see that I haven't been doing my best. I have so many people that I love who aren't believers. I respect their opinions and their thoughts but I know I can be doing more. I don't want to shove Jesus down their throat but I want to show them His love. I want to show them what having a relationship with Jesus looks like. I want to show them that there are a lot of misconstrued ideas about who God is. I want to do all these things--but I haven't been doing them.

There are so many thoughts about Christians that aren't correct. Sure there are the extremist who think that Justin Beiber is the Anti-Christ, but we aren't all like that. For example, a lot of people think that God and Christians hate homosexuals. FALSE. One of my really close friends is gay and I love him dearly. God loves everyone. He sent his son to die for everyone. (John 3:16) Why would he do that if he didn't love us?

Now back to the end of the world...when I thought about the fact that God can come at any time, it scared me. I thought about the people that I love so much who wouldn't be with me. It actually made me tear up a bit. I've been praying and asking God to give me opportunities to share my faith. I don't want to be like the bullhorn guy on the boardwalk who tells everyone they are going to hell. I don't want to condemn people. I don't want to judge them. I just want to show them that there is more to this life. There is a father who loves you and wants you to be with Him in Heaven forever. God gave us free will; which means we can choose how we act, how we live, and what we believe. I want all of my friends and loved ones to be partying it up with me in Heaven. (It's going to be one heck of a party.)

To end, I don't think the world will end on Saturday. It can end anytime! There is a song that some guy wrote talking about all the things we think God is that he isn't. (White, an old man sitting on a cloud, American..etc.) But one thing God is, is love. Here is the song...it is pretty incredible:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WybvhRu9KU

I don't know who reads my blog but if you have any questions or something wasn't clear, please talk to me.

I'm not out to convert the world. I just want to love like Jesus loved and share the amazing things He has done in my life.

"Nothing can separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life; neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below--indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:38-39

"And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus" -Philippians 4:19

"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me, you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." -John 16:33

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand." -Isaiah 41:10

Friends Rock

I haven't posted since January. Maybe it is because there was a rumor going around that all my blogs were about certain people. Truth is, they aren't. I am not one to talk about people behind their back and I especially do not write mean blog posts about people. All my posts are directed to the general public. Anyways, I'm back. I plan on blogging more and I hope that that crazy rumor ends.

The point of the blog is about friendship. (And I will be talking about specific people this time!) I have amazing friends. Some live close, some live far. I love spending time with all of my friends. For this post, I would like to share some stories about how awesome my friends are.

The Young But Great

About a year ago, I went on a youth group retreat to help get a summer camp ready for summer. The one day, I was really frustrated with my stuttering. Someone made a comment about how I spoke and for some reason, that day I was extremely sensitive about it. I believe this was before I found Our Time so maybe that is why I was so sensitive. Anyways, during our worship time I started to get really frustrated and emotional about my stuttering. I went to the bathroom to get myself together when I was followed by a friend, let's call her Nancy, who I have known since I was in fourth grade. She is 3 years younger than me but I have always considered her a sister. She asked me what was wrong and I completely opened up and was a hot mess. She sat there and listened to me and said some amazing and sweet things. She was there for me to encourage me and help me through my frustrations. I will never EVER forget that. It goes to show that just because you are young, doesn't mean that you can't make a difference in people's lives.

The One I Vent My Guts To

I was having a sleepover this past winter with one of my really good friends. Let's call her, Stanley. (Apparently this was an old nickname..) I never opened up about my childhood days to anyone before. I don't know how we got on the topic but somehow we both ended up telling the other about our childhood and our pasts. We ended up talking till 6am. We were suppose to pick up a friend at 7am to go to Shady Maple for breakfast. We only got an hour of sleep but it was worth it. Afterwards, I felt so much closer to her. It really built our friendship to what it is now. Talking till 6am and going from laughing our heads off to crying and hugging was so much fun. It was great to talk to her and tell her everything. Although I don't see her too often since she lives 2 hours away, I am so incredibly grateful for her friendship and I am so glad that she is the person I got to talk to about everything!

The Encouragers

For Our Time (the theatre company that I am apart of for kids who stutter) we have a gala each year. One member is chosen to give a speech. This year, I was chosen. Mind you, this gala is in front of a good 800-900 people. I wasn't too nervous about speaking since everyone was there BECAUSE we all stutter. I was nervous because for the first time, I was opening up about being bullied and I was showing my vulnerable side. People knew that I was homeschooled because I was bullied but I never went into the full extent of what had happened. My speech was basically about what had happened and how Our Time has given me a voice and how much I have grown as a person through Our Time. (If for any reason you would like to read my speech, let me know. I have it saved on my computer) Anyways, opening up like that was huge for me. During the gala, when you weren't on stage, you were suppose to be in the green room. I gave my speech and it was really hard to keep it together while on stage. Especially when the audience made "aw" sounds and were gasping at what had happened. It was awesome they were so into my speech (and the standing ovation was a huge surprise!) but it made me want to cry. I held it together until I got backstage and saw my two closest Our Time friends, let's call them Olivia and Ricky, waiting for me with open arms. They told me how proud they were of me and I just hugged them. It was great that they were backstage encouraging me while watching my speech instead of in the green room. It was so great to hug them and hear how proud they were of me.

The One Who is Always There

Last weekend, I was really upset about something that was going on. I'm fine now but I was driving to play Mafia with some of my friends at church when I just started crying. I decided that driving and crying wasn't the safest thing so I pulled over in a gas station. The guy parked next to me kept staring at me like an idiot and was totally obvious about it. I called a friend..let's call this person Reggi. Reggi was driving home from work when I called and could tell that I was crying. Heck, Reggi could barely understand me! After determining where I was at, Reggi made his way over to the gas station. The first thing Reggi did when he got in my car was make a joke which made me laugh. He also played with a stuffed fish that I have in the car and was making obnoxious fishy faces at it. We talked and joked and I forgot about what was going on. I went on to have an awesome night with my guy friends at church with another heart to heart with two of my guy friends in my car. I guess my car is a good place to talk to people! :)

So all of these stories involve me crying. I really don't cry all that much but that is when I need my friends the most and I get awesome stories out of it! I have so many more stories about my friends but this blog post would be never ending! I'm going to college in the fall at Marymount Manhattan College (Go Griffins!) and I will only see these people a few times a year. It will be difficult to say goodbye but I know that these friendships are going to last a long time. I love each and everyone of my friends and I will miss them like crazy next year. I just wanted to share and brag about how wonderful my friends! Oh and to all of those that I have mentioned in my stories, if you think your fake names are absolutley horrible, blame Zach. He picked them. :)

Stuttering...it isn't funny

It isn't a secret, I stutter. I try not to let it bother me but it's when people do ignorant things that it bothers me. So here is some do's and don'ts to make a person who stutters feel as comfortable as possible.

DO:

-Accept it. It is what it is. We can't help it so its time to stop feeling awkward and get over it. We have so you should too.

-Be patient. It may take us a bit to say what we want to say but eventually we will get it out. Patience people, patience.

-Love us. Let us know that you are okay with it and that you love us nonetheless.

-Ask questions. If you have them, ask. We aren't going to get offended by it. In fact, we will gain a whole lot of respect for you.

DON'T:

-Finish our sentences. It is THE MOST annoying thing a person can do. It makes us feel inadequate and unintelligent which is not the case.

-Guess what we are trying to say. This goes hand in hand with finishing our sentences. When you try to guess what we are trying to say, we want to punch you.

-Make sly remarks about it. It isn't funny to us. It is what we have to deal with every day, every minute. We never get a break. And your smart remarks of "she wants to be a speech therapist to learn how to speak correctly" is rude and uncalled for. Don't do it.

-Look awkward. Look at us in the eyes and when we start to block or start having a repetition, don't look away. It makes you look awkward and stupid.

-Huff and puff. If you don't have time to listen to what we have to say, don't talk to us. You obviously aren't that great if you are going to get frustrated at us for not spitting it out.

Stuttering is something I have to deal with. It isn't funny to me. Yes at times we people that stutter make jokes to each other about it. It may sound a bit hypocritical but it is funny when we make jokes to each other about it because we get it. We understand how the other person feels. We are simply just making light of the situation. However when people who don't stutter make stupid comments or mock us, we get hurt. For the most part, I accept my stuttering. I will have to deal with it for the rest of my life and if you can't accept that then I don't particularly want to talk to you. Some days are rough. Some days I need to just be alone and cry about it. It is the most frustrating thing I have to deal with. Little things make it difficult. For instance, saying my name is the hardest. I hate it. I feel stupid. No one understands what it is like for us and pretending that you do understand is annoying. I would love to be able to order a pizza, meet other people, go to a doctor appointment without feeling nervous.

I use to be a HUGE fan of the Jonas Brothers. I'm over my obsession but one of their songs comes to mind whenever I am having a hard day, like today. "You don't know what you got till it is gone. You don't know what its like to feel so low. And every time you smile, you laugh, you glow, you don't even know. All this time gone by, still no reason why. A little bit longer and I'll be fine. Waiting on a cure but none of them are sure. A little bit longer and I'll be fine." Although Nick Jonas is talking about his diabetes, this song is totally relevant when it comes to my stuttering. "So I'll wait till Kingdom come. All the highs and lows are gone. A little bit longer and I'll be fine." I always listen to this song when it is just one of those days that I need to cry about it.

To those who stutter: My brothers and sisters! Be confident, be strong, be proud. You aren't alone. We all have those rough days but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We are a family. Lean on us.

To those who know and love a person who stutters: Be patient and be proud of the journey that your friend, family member, or loved one has overcome. I can say first hand, it has been a tough one. Love them for who they are and realize that they may have accepted it but it still hurts when people make comments. Some days they may just need a hug and for you to listen to them. That's all you can do. Listen.