These are a few of my favorite things...

I haven't touched this blog in almost a year but I figure it would be the best place to post about all of the things I am thankful for. In no particular order, here are the things I am thankful for on this Thanksgiving.

My mamma! I am so thankful for the relationship that she and I have. I probably call her way too much but I am so grateful to have a supportive and honest and loving mother like her.

Joanna! Seriously, she is the strongest person I know. She has two chronic illnesses and is still on track to receive her masters degree in May. Her determination and drive inspires me to do well every day. I am so thankful to have her as my older sister and to be home this Thanksgiving to spend time with her.

My step-dad, Breah (who is not in the second picture), and Garrett. I am thankful to have them as my family for the past eleven years (officially) and thirteen years (unofficially). I don't consider any of them "step" family but my real family.

My best friend Dakota Rae Moore. We have been friends for 20 years and I am so thankful to have her to laugh and cry to as well as to take drives to absolutely nowhere. I am incredibly grateful for the friendship that we have and that even though we have a long distance best friendship, we make it work and are even closer because of it.

Christopher Schack. I'm usually not one to publicly announce my mushy feelings and emotions but this guy is pretty great. The past two and a half months of  "officially" being together have been some of the best. He makes me laugh until my stomach hurts and makes me smile until my jaw is sore. He is the sweetest, most supportive and loving guy I have met and I am so grateful to have him in my life and to be able to call him my boyfriend.

These amazing people. I know that everyone says this but I have the most wonderful friends in the world. I don't have pictures of all of my friends but they know who they are. I am thankful for each and everyone one of you and the relationships I have with all of you. Love you all.

My boxer! Rocky is a baby. He is my cuddle buddy, my play buddy, and my guard dog while I am sleeping on a boat. :) I miss this baby boy so much when I am in New York and I love being home with him.

How many people can say that they love their job? I don't even consider babysitting Abigail a job. I have been watching her since she was 11 months old (she is now 2!) and I am grateful for the time that we have together to play and laugh. Every time she runs around the house saying "Lina!", it warms my heart. So happy to have this "job" and to have her in my life.

 CHRISTMAS!! I love everything about it. The music, the atmosphere, the decorations--it makes me so happy. I am thankful for the real meaning of Christmas and celebrating the birth of Christ as well as His never ending love for me. I am also grateful to have that time to spend with the people I love. I cannot wait for Christmas!

New York. We have a love hate relationship. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with the busyness of the City but at the end of the day, I am grateful to have the opportunity to live there for my undergrad years in college.

One Tree Hill: It's the little things in life that make me happy.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your loved ones. Eat lots of turkey (or the food of your choice) and remember to be thankful every day.

Life Rambles (As if that's unusual...)

On Saturday I leave PA and head back to NYC. Most people in my situation would be stoked since PA is not the most exciting place to be. Last year I was so ready to go back. This year, I am having mixed feelings. I am excited to see my friends and live on my own again but there are a lot of things about PA that I will miss. My sister, Breah, had major knee surgery over winter break so I have spent most of my time taking care of her. Some people would consider that a pain but it has actually been a blessing. She and I have had so many great conversations and shared so many laughs that it brought us a lot closer than we ever were. I am going to miss talking to her and watching her hit milestones in her recovery such as the one I saw a few days ago when she lifted her leg all by herself for the the first time. Everyone in the physical therapy room started clapping. I am so incredibly proud of the determination that she has to get back on the court next season. As much as I wish this didn't happen to her, I am secretly thankful for it (sorry, B).  It has been so great to hang out with her and in a way get to know her better and become closer as not only sisters but as friends. I am going to miss watching stupid TV shows, telling awkward secrets, and simply just talking and laughing like little kids. It has been so much fun to spend time with her over break. 

Recently, I have reconnected with some friends from high school. I always use to say that when I come back to PA, I only have a family to come back to and don't really have close friends here anymore. Well, that has changed. I loved spending my Monday nights watching The Bachelor with Dakota who I have known since I was born and going out to eat and shopping with Em who is like my little sister. Last break I was so obsessed with getting back to NYC that I never took the time to hang out with PA people all that often. These two girls are just some of the connections I have been making but it is so humbling to know that I have amazing people to come home to. 

I am going to miss the sports. Watching football or NBA or college sports with my family has been one of the highlights. Marymount is not a sports college at all which at times makes me regretful of my decision to go there. This is off topic but it is a ramble so I can do that, right? :) Sometimes I feel like I went to the wrong school. Don't get me wrong, I love MMC and living in New York, but as I watch college football or basketball and see the student sections with paint on their faces and having an abundance of school spirit, it makes me feel like I am missing out on the college experience. Just the thought of that raises so many questions in my head. Did I pick the wrong school? Will I regret it for the rest of my life? What if I was suppose to go somewhere else and I am missing out on something so great? The endless amount of questions can drive me insane. But I guess I have to be honest with myself--if I didn't have the best friends I could have ever asked for in New York, I wouldn't be there. I would have transferred already. Is it okay that that is one of the only reasons that keeps me there? I still have grad school so I can always choose a school with sports and actual school spirit then but I feel like in grad school I won't have time for any of that. Maybe that is why I am not as excited to go back to NYC--I have so much doubt. Maybe it is because I do too much as I go to school full time, am involved in numerous clubs, work two jobs, and volunteer on Saturdays. Maybe that is why I am having these feelings of being unsatisfied. In a way, I feel really selfish since not everyone has the opportunity to go to a private college in the most exciting city. And I know I am really blessed and lucky to live the life I live. I guess I am too much of a sports fan to go to a school with no sports. But I am going to make the best of it. I am going to have an awesome semester and it will be great to see my friends and the little girl I nanny. I am going to miss a lot of things about PA but it is an incredible feeling to know that I have a lot of amazing things in both Pennsylvania and New York. I am truly blessed. 

Okay, enough rambling. Someone take me to a college basketball game.

Why I hate the "R" word

"That's so retarded" "You are such a retard"

We hear these phrases so often and every time I hear it, it makes me cringe. The "R" word is something that I don't take lightly. People ask me why I am so sensitive to it because to them it isn't a big deal. Last night when one of my family members used that word, I expressed my hatred for that word and told them that they shouldn't use it. In response, they said that I just like to argue and that it isn't a big deal.
Truth is, I don't tell them not to say it just to start an argument. It really bothers me. Mental Retardation (MR) is a medical condition that someone is born with and that they cannot change. It isn't their fault, it isn't a bad thing. It is life. "Retard" has such a negative connotation to it that it makes it seem like people with MR have something negative about them. I have met and worked with some of the most amazing people. These people just so happen to have MR. They are loving and kind and funny and I could talk to them for hours. They always put a smile on my face and give the best hugs. Some things are harder for them to do but they do it anyways. They may do somethings in a different way but that is so beautiful to see. MR is a condition that allows real inner beauty to be shown. Using this condition as a sort of negative slang is not only offensive but so morally wrong. I realize that people see it as just a word but it isn't. People don't use the "N" word to describe something bad. Why? Because that is obviously offensive to African-Americans. Why is that so obvious but using the "R" word to describe something that went wrong or something that someone dislikes, not so clear? It doesn't make sense to me--those two things are equal.
This post is going to short, sweet, and to the point and I think I made my point:
It is not okay to call me a retard, it is not okay to call something in life that you dislike retarded, and it most definitely is not okay to refer to a person with MR as a retard. Stop using the "R" word.

Time is a Blessing

I am home for the summer and to be honest, it hasn't been that great. Not that I don't enjoy time with my family but I miss New York. I miss the busyness, the people, my church, my community. Everything. I just miss it all. There is nothing for me in Pennsylvania. I have a great family but they have their own lives. Me, well, I work 3 days a week and try to go to the gym every day. That is about it. I have found myself watching Australian TV shows on Netflix and daydreaming of traveling the world. Seriously, I have a whole plan as to where I want to live and when. To be frank, I'm lonely. I had plenty of friends when I lived here year round but they seem to have moved on and I really only hang out and talk to one of them regularly. Sure I try to catch up with some of my old friends but things aren't how they use to be. The one constant friendship has been with my best friend and he's gone all summer working at a camp so that leaves me bored and lonely. The past few weeks I have just been mopey and going through a period of self pity. I told myself that I am going to lonely forever and end up as a cat lady who collects stamps. It is pretty ridiculous how low I became in my thoughts.
Tonight my family and I watched a movie called "Facing the Giants" which has always been on my list of great movies. It is a christian based film that focuses on the theme that nothing is impossible with God and he can do anything just because he's God. The movie is insanely inspiring and encouraging. There is this one part where the football coach is talking to his team about why they play football. It goes onto the bigger picture of why are we all here. The answer: for God's glory. We are put on this earth for a purpose and it is ultimately to give God the glory. So I thought to myself, I have so much time. I am moping around feeling lonely and sorry for myself when God is waiting for me to realize that this time is a blessing. It gives me a chance to sit back and realize how beautiful my life is and it gives me the opportunity to give him the glory he deserves. I need to use the time to grow in my relationship with him and spend quality time in his word every day. I heard a statistic that on average, Christians only pray for 3 minutes a day. At first I was shocked at how low that is. Now that I think about it more, I don't even know if I get to 3 minutes a day. I pray with my family at dinner and alone in my bed at night but I don't think that would add up to 3 minutes. What am I doing? I always talk big saying that I want to live for Christ and give him the glory for everything I do but if I am not even praying for 3 minutes a day, how am I striving towards those things? I truly believe that there is a reason for everything. The reason I have so much time on my hands is so that I can grow in my faith and learn more about my heavenly father. I want to be a woman of God who seeks after his heart and strives to walk as Jesus walked. So how will I do that? For one, I need to spend more time in prayer as that is my main line of communication with God. Two, spend more time in the Bible. I just finished 1 John, 2 John, and 3 John which were pretty great. I decided that I'm going to tackle Revelation which I have tried to read but it can be difficult so I gave up on it. So this time I am going to study it. If it takes me a few months to fully understand it, so be it. I will take all the time I need to fully understand this book. That is how I am going to approach every book of the Bible I read. Lastly, I am going to try fully trusting him. God knows I already have major trust issues with people so this is easier said than done. But that is my goal. I am going to use my time for his glory. After all, that is what we are put on this earth to do.

My Book...Say Whaaaaat?

That's right. I'm writing a book. There isn't a title yet but that is something I think I will come up with once the book is completed. Some of you may have seen my post on facebook announcing the book project but that was a while ago and to be honest, I am not even close to being done. I am thinking this may take a year or two to complete. I didn't think the writing process would be so difficult. I guess I should tell you all what the book is about first--well, me. People have told me for years that I should write a book since at such a young age, I already have so many life experiences. I think for me, it is more of a way to reach out to other people who have gone through what I have gone through. I want the book to be a sort of tell all--things that even my parents and my best friends don't know. I want it to be my way of helping others and letting those people know that they aren't alone and they can fight through any struggle they have and turn it around for good. I have fought through many struggles and have experienced many things that people my age don't usually experience; but I always refused to be a victim. Okay, maybe not always, there was that one time that I really didn't think I could get through what I was going through. (You will have to read the book to find out what that is!) The point is, this book is a way for me to not be the victim but to be resilient. To say "yeah, I have experienced all of these things but I am a more empathetic, strong, and mature person because of it". It also is a way to say "screw you" to all of those people who have been the cause of my struggles and hard experiences. As I continue to write this book, I realize that it is a sort of therapy for me, as well. But with that, it is also hard to dig back into those emotions during those hard times. I want people to feel all kinds of emotions while they are reading. I want them to laugh, to cry, to be angry, to be happy, to just.. relate to me and feel how I felt during specific moments in my life. I don't know how many people will read my book--it may not going anywhere and just be my family. But I'm not in it to get loads of readers and fans or whatever. I am doing it so I can outreach to others, even if it is just one person. Also, how cool would it be for my grandkids and great grandkids to have something to tell them who their grandmother or great grandmother was? That would be pretty awesome.
It is going to be a journey. Writing a book isn't easy and I have gained so much more respect for authors. It is also an emotional journey as I channel those feelings again as I write about what exactly happened in my various experiences and struggles. But I'm in it. And I have a great person who agreed to edit it and look over the various parts of the book as I finish. She was the amazing producer for my episode of "What Would You Do?" and knows what a good story is. It will be great to have her look over my drafts...when I have a draft...
Maybe I should go back to writing now.

I will miss you New York.

I leave in 5 days. FIVE DAYS!!! Where did this year go? I move out of my dorm on Thursday and will be back in my own cozy bed by Sunday night. I have mixed feelings about leaving. I am excited to see my family and my dogs and my best friend at home but I am leaving so much behind. So I thought I would write a blog post about the many people that I love and adore in the Big Apple.

Noelle Kelley and Kelly Stauffer:

My rocks. They are the cheese to my macaroni. We have had so many adventures (Philadelphia, Hershey Park, Kleinfeld's, Yankees Game, meeting Nick Jonas) and every single time I am with them I have a blast. I will miss our movie nights, taco bell outings, random excursions, Noelle's constant saying "Is this a joke?", Kelly's bluntness and honesty, and the times that we just laugh nonstop. I talk like they are dying and I won't ever see them again but 3 months is a LONG time! They have been there for me to remind me of God's goodness and that I need to trust in Him. Kelly even came to the hospital when I got my concussion and Noelle felt so bad that she had class so she couldn't come to the hospital. They are my best friends in the City. I will miss them dearly.

Leann Sebald:
Leann has been my spiritual leader for the past few months. I can literally sit and talk with her for hours and not have a moment of silence. She listens first then talks. She is full of wisdom that surpasses her age by far. Without her, I don't know what I would do! I go to her with everything--the good, bad, and ugly. She has taught me how to be a leader and is always encouraging me to keep growing.

Adam McDowell:
The craziest kid I have ever met in my life. When I first met him, I thought he was just a jokester who liked to dance around obnoxiously and make the people he was with feel incredibly embarrassed to be seen with him. From taking the time to get to know him, I have learned that he is one of the easiest people to talk to. It is crazy how quickly I opened up to him. I will miss our Thursday late night chats where we talk about anything and everything from things we are struggling with spiritually to really awkward and embarrassing moments in our lives. I will also miss the way he can make anything into a funny situation and when I know he is coming over because I can hear him singing down the hall. He's insane but that is why we get along.

Melissa Belanger:
I have known Melissa since we both went to a prospective speech major summer camp back in 2010 at Misericordia University. We just happened to end up at the same college together and have almost every class together. I can pretty much tell her anything and know that it will just stay between she and I. She is so open minded and loving and fantastic.

Everyone at Christian City Church (C3 Manhattan):

I adore this place and everyone in it. C3 has changed my life and has encouraged me to grow into a woman of God. I am going to miss the worship, the friends, the community, and the message from the wonderful Pastor Stephen. All of the staff at C3 has welcomed me into the church with open arms. Never have I ever felt so much love in a church. I love this place. 

I love my City. I love the busyness. I love the diversity. I love the culture. I love the spirit of New York. I am  so sad to leave but I will be back to embrace all these things I love all over again. Farewell New York! <3

I Am Resilient

Sometimes I put on my tough face and act like everything is fine when it's not. Not that things are terrible, but lately, a lot has been running through my head. Yesterday I was on the show "What Would You Do?" and that was absolutely incredible! I have accepted my stutter and I live with it, but some days, I think about it too much and I start to become not as okay with it. On those days, I tend to slip into my old ways of thinking. Well, today is one of those days; which is odd because I have received so much love and support from my show last night. Today I thought a lot about my sister. Stuttering is genetic and since Joanna is my sister, her future kids have a chance of stuttering. As I am writing this, I have tears in my eyes. I know it isn't my fault if they do but just the thought of them going through what I went through breaks my heart. If they stutter, I will feel so guilty. I don't want Joanna to have to go through the feeling of helplessness that a parent of a kid who stutters goes through. I don't know what it is like to be a parent of a kid who stutters but I am sure it is heart breaking. To see your child go through a daily struggle has to be so difficult and I don't want my sister to go through that. I know she wouldn't care and she would never ever blame me but I would feel so bad. That has been going through my head a lot.
Something else that has been going through my head a lot, love. I am young so I have plenty of time to fall in love but I use to think that guys would never like me because I can't talk right. Well on the days that I tend to slip into my old ways of thinking, I think this. Again, today is one of those days. Yesterday someone told me they would never date me. Today, someone who I thought was kinda into me told me they weren't. It is embarrassing to admit but the first thing that I thought of was "well, if I didn't stutter, they wouldn't say those things." What is wrong with me?! I have come so far from where I was mentally and emotionally 3 years ago. 3 years ago, these were every day thoughts but I just want to get rid of them completely. Stuttering isn't my whole life. It doesn't define who I am. It is a part of my life and has made me a more compassionate and loving person. Would I change it? No. So why am I treating it like it is the enemy? I am not a helpless victim. I was beautifully and wonderfully made by a God who is bigger than anything I go through in life. He gave me stuttering for a reason and I am okay with that. It's just, some days, I get so frustrated that I allow it to have hold over my thoughts. I am constantly telling myself that it is okay to be different. One day, a guy will love me on my fluent and non fluent days. I wish I could pound this into my head! I don't really know how to explain it. I know all of these things but I guess some days I have a hard time believing it. It is like I have an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. The angel is telling me all of these great things and the devil shoots back with all of the negative things.

That was a lot of venting. Basically what I am trying to say is that, I am glad these thoughts are no longer every day thoughts but I really just want to get rid of them completely. I know what the truth is but I think Satan is trying to defeat me. I know not everyone believes what I believe and that is okay but I believe that Satan tries to tear us down to take us away from God. This is his way of trying to turn me away from God. He is putting these horrible thoughts in my head when God is helping me get through the rough times. But in the end, God is powerful and He will always win. I will always have rough days no matter how accepting I am--and I like to think that I am pretty accepting of it; but because of the love from not only God but all of my beautiful and incredible friends, I will get through those days. I am resilient.