I'm blogging at 1am...

Lately I've been in the mood to blog. I just really enjoy it! I am part delirious and part exhausted so this should be interesting.

I wanted to start off by talking about my goal in life. I really think it has taken me 18 years to figure it out. My goal in life is to make a difference. I want to impact people and make a difference in their lives. I love helping others and by helping others, I learn so much about myself. Every conversation I have with someone is an opportunity. I love hearing people's stories and how they came to be who they are today. Honestly, I just love to listen. It is so intriguing to me to learn about a person and what makes them who they are. I love to have coffee with people and talk for hours.

Today I had coffee with a good friend. We talked about God and having Christ centered relationships. This friend and I don't usually have serious conversations. We usually mess around and act stupid together. But today I learned that I adore talking about God with others. I really think it is a way to build a relationship with not only that person but with God, too. By growing and learning together, it makes both relationships stronger. I think having a friendship that is strong on both the serious side and the comedic side is a pretty great friendship.

I want to make an impact. I want to learn and grow as a person by hearing and learning from others. I want to challenge my friends as they challenge me. I want to know that when I leave this earth, I have done my absolute best. I want to leave a legacy. What will my legacy be? That is something I will have to think about and decide what legacy I want to leave and how I will go about that.

I am leaving for college in the fall. I am moving from a small town to the big city. I am pumped. At the same time, I am nervous. This is my chance to start over and really connect with people and make a difference. I have lived here my whole life. I have made many mistakes. I have learned so much. I can use what I learned from living here and apply it to my life in New York.

I realize that this blog is sort of a mumble jumble mess and completely random. But as my night went on and I was thinking about my life, I realized that I need to do more. I need to create a legacy and start impacting people's lives. I'm not out to save the world but I think by impacting others, I will learn so much! I want to learn more about people. I want to build relationships with people that I wouldn't usually talk to. I need to get out of my comfort zone and start a life that has meaning.

I am a complete worry wart. I worry about everything. Today I was really worrying about some things. As I was worrying and being somewhat pathetic, a verse popped in my head.

"I have told you all of this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." John 16:33

I love this verse! In fact, I really want a tattoo of it. It is a reminder that there is no need to worry. God is in control. I truly believe that if I lean on him and grow closer to him, I will be able to make more of an impact.

The moral of this blog post is that I realize that I need to be doing more. I am here for a purpose and I need to be building relationships and stepping out of my comfort zone if I want to make a difference. It is nearly 1am..this is the second night in a row that I have stayed up late thinking. The juices are a flowing and so many thoughts are going through my head! I am a mix of emotions for what is going to come in the future--but I am excited to see what God has in store.

The End of the World

I never post this close together but I feel the need to talk about this. The "End of the World" is supposedly going to occur this Saturday. All this talk about it made me want to talk about it and what I believe and my faith.

I don't like labels but this one I am proud of. I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I don't define myself as 'religious' and I don't think a specific denomination is the 'right' one. I believe in the Bible and I have a personal relationship with Jesus. I strive every day to live a life that is pleasing to Him. I try to love like He loved. I try my best not to judge people and to accept them for who they are. I'm by no means perfect. I mess up. I say things I don't mean. But by Jesus dying for my sins, I can be forgiven and live in eternity with Him. Sometimes, I question my faith. In the past, I have fallen away. But God always brings me back. He shows me His unfailing love. He has shown me that no matter what I do, He will love me and call me His own. Some people question me about my beliefs and all I can tell them is my story. God has shown me his existence, through circumstances, so many times. (I would love to share those stories sometime with you, if you would like.)

I know that Jesus is going to come back again and take his believers with Him to live in eternity. However, I think I assumed that it wouldn't be in my lifetime. This whole end of the world thing, which is supposedly happening on Saturday, made me realize that He could come back at anytime. I don't think he is coming back on Saturday. My main reason is because in the Bible it says that no one will know the day or the hour. (Matthew 24:35-36) But He can return at any moment. The talk about Saturday opened my eyes to see that I haven't been doing my best. I have so many people that I love who aren't believers. I respect their opinions and their thoughts but I know I can be doing more. I don't want to shove Jesus down their throat but I want to show them His love. I want to show them what having a relationship with Jesus looks like. I want to show them that there are a lot of misconstrued ideas about who God is. I want to do all these things--but I haven't been doing them.

There are so many thoughts about Christians that aren't correct. Sure there are the extremist who think that Justin Beiber is the Anti-Christ, but we aren't all like that. For example, a lot of people think that God and Christians hate homosexuals. FALSE. One of my really close friends is gay and I love him dearly. God loves everyone. He sent his son to die for everyone. (John 3:16) Why would he do that if he didn't love us?

Now back to the end of the world...when I thought about the fact that God can come at any time, it scared me. I thought about the people that I love so much who wouldn't be with me. It actually made me tear up a bit. I've been praying and asking God to give me opportunities to share my faith. I don't want to be like the bullhorn guy on the boardwalk who tells everyone they are going to hell. I don't want to condemn people. I don't want to judge them. I just want to show them that there is more to this life. There is a father who loves you and wants you to be with Him in Heaven forever. God gave us free will; which means we can choose how we act, how we live, and what we believe. I want all of my friends and loved ones to be partying it up with me in Heaven. (It's going to be one heck of a party.)

To end, I don't think the world will end on Saturday. It can end anytime! There is a song that some guy wrote talking about all the things we think God is that he isn't. (White, an old man sitting on a cloud, American..etc.) But one thing God is, is love. Here is the song...it is pretty incredible:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WybvhRu9KU

I don't know who reads my blog but if you have any questions or something wasn't clear, please talk to me.

I'm not out to convert the world. I just want to love like Jesus loved and share the amazing things He has done in my life.

"Nothing can separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life; neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below--indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:38-39

"And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus" -Philippians 4:19

"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me, you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." -John 16:33

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand." -Isaiah 41:10

Friends Rock

I haven't posted since January. Maybe it is because there was a rumor going around that all my blogs were about certain people. Truth is, they aren't. I am not one to talk about people behind their back and I especially do not write mean blog posts about people. All my posts are directed to the general public. Anyways, I'm back. I plan on blogging more and I hope that that crazy rumor ends.

The point of the blog is about friendship. (And I will be talking about specific people this time!) I have amazing friends. Some live close, some live far. I love spending time with all of my friends. For this post, I would like to share some stories about how awesome my friends are.

The Young But Great

About a year ago, I went on a youth group retreat to help get a summer camp ready for summer. The one day, I was really frustrated with my stuttering. Someone made a comment about how I spoke and for some reason, that day I was extremely sensitive about it. I believe this was before I found Our Time so maybe that is why I was so sensitive. Anyways, during our worship time I started to get really frustrated and emotional about my stuttering. I went to the bathroom to get myself together when I was followed by a friend, let's call her Nancy, who I have known since I was in fourth grade. She is 3 years younger than me but I have always considered her a sister. She asked me what was wrong and I completely opened up and was a hot mess. She sat there and listened to me and said some amazing and sweet things. She was there for me to encourage me and help me through my frustrations. I will never EVER forget that. It goes to show that just because you are young, doesn't mean that you can't make a difference in people's lives.

The One I Vent My Guts To

I was having a sleepover this past winter with one of my really good friends. Let's call her, Stanley. (Apparently this was an old nickname..) I never opened up about my childhood days to anyone before. I don't know how we got on the topic but somehow we both ended up telling the other about our childhood and our pasts. We ended up talking till 6am. We were suppose to pick up a friend at 7am to go to Shady Maple for breakfast. We only got an hour of sleep but it was worth it. Afterwards, I felt so much closer to her. It really built our friendship to what it is now. Talking till 6am and going from laughing our heads off to crying and hugging was so much fun. It was great to talk to her and tell her everything. Although I don't see her too often since she lives 2 hours away, I am so incredibly grateful for her friendship and I am so glad that she is the person I got to talk to about everything!

The Encouragers

For Our Time (the theatre company that I am apart of for kids who stutter) we have a gala each year. One member is chosen to give a speech. This year, I was chosen. Mind you, this gala is in front of a good 800-900 people. I wasn't too nervous about speaking since everyone was there BECAUSE we all stutter. I was nervous because for the first time, I was opening up about being bullied and I was showing my vulnerable side. People knew that I was homeschooled because I was bullied but I never went into the full extent of what had happened. My speech was basically about what had happened and how Our Time has given me a voice and how much I have grown as a person through Our Time. (If for any reason you would like to read my speech, let me know. I have it saved on my computer) Anyways, opening up like that was huge for me. During the gala, when you weren't on stage, you were suppose to be in the green room. I gave my speech and it was really hard to keep it together while on stage. Especially when the audience made "aw" sounds and were gasping at what had happened. It was awesome they were so into my speech (and the standing ovation was a huge surprise!) but it made me want to cry. I held it together until I got backstage and saw my two closest Our Time friends, let's call them Olivia and Ricky, waiting for me with open arms. They told me how proud they were of me and I just hugged them. It was great that they were backstage encouraging me while watching my speech instead of in the green room. It was so great to hug them and hear how proud they were of me.

The One Who is Always There

Last weekend, I was really upset about something that was going on. I'm fine now but I was driving to play Mafia with some of my friends at church when I just started crying. I decided that driving and crying wasn't the safest thing so I pulled over in a gas station. The guy parked next to me kept staring at me like an idiot and was totally obvious about it. I called a friend..let's call this person Reggi. Reggi was driving home from work when I called and could tell that I was crying. Heck, Reggi could barely understand me! After determining where I was at, Reggi made his way over to the gas station. The first thing Reggi did when he got in my car was make a joke which made me laugh. He also played with a stuffed fish that I have in the car and was making obnoxious fishy faces at it. We talked and joked and I forgot about what was going on. I went on to have an awesome night with my guy friends at church with another heart to heart with two of my guy friends in my car. I guess my car is a good place to talk to people! :)

So all of these stories involve me crying. I really don't cry all that much but that is when I need my friends the most and I get awesome stories out of it! I have so many more stories about my friends but this blog post would be never ending! I'm going to college in the fall at Marymount Manhattan College (Go Griffins!) and I will only see these people a few times a year. It will be difficult to say goodbye but I know that these friendships are going to last a long time. I love each and everyone of my friends and I will miss them like crazy next year. I just wanted to share and brag about how wonderful my friends! Oh and to all of those that I have mentioned in my stories, if you think your fake names are absolutley horrible, blame Zach. He picked them. :)