Why I hate the "R" word

"That's so retarded" "You are such a retard"

We hear these phrases so often and every time I hear it, it makes me cringe. The "R" word is something that I don't take lightly. People ask me why I am so sensitive to it because to them it isn't a big deal. Last night when one of my family members used that word, I expressed my hatred for that word and told them that they shouldn't use it. In response, they said that I just like to argue and that it isn't a big deal.
Truth is, I don't tell them not to say it just to start an argument. It really bothers me. Mental Retardation (MR) is a medical condition that someone is born with and that they cannot change. It isn't their fault, it isn't a bad thing. It is life. "Retard" has such a negative connotation to it that it makes it seem like people with MR have something negative about them. I have met and worked with some of the most amazing people. These people just so happen to have MR. They are loving and kind and funny and I could talk to them for hours. They always put a smile on my face and give the best hugs. Some things are harder for them to do but they do it anyways. They may do somethings in a different way but that is so beautiful to see. MR is a condition that allows real inner beauty to be shown. Using this condition as a sort of negative slang is not only offensive but so morally wrong. I realize that people see it as just a word but it isn't. People don't use the "N" word to describe something bad. Why? Because that is obviously offensive to African-Americans. Why is that so obvious but using the "R" word to describe something that went wrong or something that someone dislikes, not so clear? It doesn't make sense to me--those two things are equal.
This post is going to short, sweet, and to the point and I think I made my point:
It is not okay to call me a retard, it is not okay to call something in life that you dislike retarded, and it most definitely is not okay to refer to a person with MR as a retard. Stop using the "R" word.

Time is a Blessing

I am home for the summer and to be honest, it hasn't been that great. Not that I don't enjoy time with my family but I miss New York. I miss the busyness, the people, my church, my community. Everything. I just miss it all. There is nothing for me in Pennsylvania. I have a great family but they have their own lives. Me, well, I work 3 days a week and try to go to the gym every day. That is about it. I have found myself watching Australian TV shows on Netflix and daydreaming of traveling the world. Seriously, I have a whole plan as to where I want to live and when. To be frank, I'm lonely. I had plenty of friends when I lived here year round but they seem to have moved on and I really only hang out and talk to one of them regularly. Sure I try to catch up with some of my old friends but things aren't how they use to be. The one constant friendship has been with my best friend and he's gone all summer working at a camp so that leaves me bored and lonely. The past few weeks I have just been mopey and going through a period of self pity. I told myself that I am going to lonely forever and end up as a cat lady who collects stamps. It is pretty ridiculous how low I became in my thoughts.
Tonight my family and I watched a movie called "Facing the Giants" which has always been on my list of great movies. It is a christian based film that focuses on the theme that nothing is impossible with God and he can do anything just because he's God. The movie is insanely inspiring and encouraging. There is this one part where the football coach is talking to his team about why they play football. It goes onto the bigger picture of why are we all here. The answer: for God's glory. We are put on this earth for a purpose and it is ultimately to give God the glory. So I thought to myself, I have so much time. I am moping around feeling lonely and sorry for myself when God is waiting for me to realize that this time is a blessing. It gives me a chance to sit back and realize how beautiful my life is and it gives me the opportunity to give him the glory he deserves. I need to use the time to grow in my relationship with him and spend quality time in his word every day. I heard a statistic that on average, Christians only pray for 3 minutes a day. At first I was shocked at how low that is. Now that I think about it more, I don't even know if I get to 3 minutes a day. I pray with my family at dinner and alone in my bed at night but I don't think that would add up to 3 minutes. What am I doing? I always talk big saying that I want to live for Christ and give him the glory for everything I do but if I am not even praying for 3 minutes a day, how am I striving towards those things? I truly believe that there is a reason for everything. The reason I have so much time on my hands is so that I can grow in my faith and learn more about my heavenly father. I want to be a woman of God who seeks after his heart and strives to walk as Jesus walked. So how will I do that? For one, I need to spend more time in prayer as that is my main line of communication with God. Two, spend more time in the Bible. I just finished 1 John, 2 John, and 3 John which were pretty great. I decided that I'm going to tackle Revelation which I have tried to read but it can be difficult so I gave up on it. So this time I am going to study it. If it takes me a few months to fully understand it, so be it. I will take all the time I need to fully understand this book. That is how I am going to approach every book of the Bible I read. Lastly, I am going to try fully trusting him. God knows I already have major trust issues with people so this is easier said than done. But that is my goal. I am going to use my time for his glory. After all, that is what we are put on this earth to do.

My Book...Say Whaaaaat?

That's right. I'm writing a book. There isn't a title yet but that is something I think I will come up with once the book is completed. Some of you may have seen my post on facebook announcing the book project but that was a while ago and to be honest, I am not even close to being done. I am thinking this may take a year or two to complete. I didn't think the writing process would be so difficult. I guess I should tell you all what the book is about first--well, me. People have told me for years that I should write a book since at such a young age, I already have so many life experiences. I think for me, it is more of a way to reach out to other people who have gone through what I have gone through. I want the book to be a sort of tell all--things that even my parents and my best friends don't know. I want it to be my way of helping others and letting those people know that they aren't alone and they can fight through any struggle they have and turn it around for good. I have fought through many struggles and have experienced many things that people my age don't usually experience; but I always refused to be a victim. Okay, maybe not always, there was that one time that I really didn't think I could get through what I was going through. (You will have to read the book to find out what that is!) The point is, this book is a way for me to not be the victim but to be resilient. To say "yeah, I have experienced all of these things but I am a more empathetic, strong, and mature person because of it". It also is a way to say "screw you" to all of those people who have been the cause of my struggles and hard experiences. As I continue to write this book, I realize that it is a sort of therapy for me, as well. But with that, it is also hard to dig back into those emotions during those hard times. I want people to feel all kinds of emotions while they are reading. I want them to laugh, to cry, to be angry, to be happy, to just.. relate to me and feel how I felt during specific moments in my life. I don't know how many people will read my book--it may not going anywhere and just be my family. But I'm not in it to get loads of readers and fans or whatever. I am doing it so I can outreach to others, even if it is just one person. Also, how cool would it be for my grandkids and great grandkids to have something to tell them who their grandmother or great grandmother was? That would be pretty awesome.
It is going to be a journey. Writing a book isn't easy and I have gained so much more respect for authors. It is also an emotional journey as I channel those feelings again as I write about what exactly happened in my various experiences and struggles. But I'm in it. And I have a great person who agreed to edit it and look over the various parts of the book as I finish. She was the amazing producer for my episode of "What Would You Do?" and knows what a good story is. It will be great to have her look over my drafts...when I have a draft...
Maybe I should go back to writing now.

I will miss you New York.

I leave in 5 days. FIVE DAYS!!! Where did this year go? I move out of my dorm on Thursday and will be back in my own cozy bed by Sunday night. I have mixed feelings about leaving. I am excited to see my family and my dogs and my best friend at home but I am leaving so much behind. So I thought I would write a blog post about the many people that I love and adore in the Big Apple.

Noelle Kelley and Kelly Stauffer:

My rocks. They are the cheese to my macaroni. We have had so many adventures (Philadelphia, Hershey Park, Kleinfeld's, Yankees Game, meeting Nick Jonas) and every single time I am with them I have a blast. I will miss our movie nights, taco bell outings, random excursions, Noelle's constant saying "Is this a joke?", Kelly's bluntness and honesty, and the times that we just laugh nonstop. I talk like they are dying and I won't ever see them again but 3 months is a LONG time! They have been there for me to remind me of God's goodness and that I need to trust in Him. Kelly even came to the hospital when I got my concussion and Noelle felt so bad that she had class so she couldn't come to the hospital. They are my best friends in the City. I will miss them dearly.

Leann Sebald:
Leann has been my spiritual leader for the past few months. I can literally sit and talk with her for hours and not have a moment of silence. She listens first then talks. She is full of wisdom that surpasses her age by far. Without her, I don't know what I would do! I go to her with everything--the good, bad, and ugly. She has taught me how to be a leader and is always encouraging me to keep growing.

Adam McDowell:
The craziest kid I have ever met in my life. When I first met him, I thought he was just a jokester who liked to dance around obnoxiously and make the people he was with feel incredibly embarrassed to be seen with him. From taking the time to get to know him, I have learned that he is one of the easiest people to talk to. It is crazy how quickly I opened up to him. I will miss our Thursday late night chats where we talk about anything and everything from things we are struggling with spiritually to really awkward and embarrassing moments in our lives. I will also miss the way he can make anything into a funny situation and when I know he is coming over because I can hear him singing down the hall. He's insane but that is why we get along.

Melissa Belanger:
I have known Melissa since we both went to a prospective speech major summer camp back in 2010 at Misericordia University. We just happened to end up at the same college together and have almost every class together. I can pretty much tell her anything and know that it will just stay between she and I. She is so open minded and loving and fantastic.

Everyone at Christian City Church (C3 Manhattan):

I adore this place and everyone in it. C3 has changed my life and has encouraged me to grow into a woman of God. I am going to miss the worship, the friends, the community, and the message from the wonderful Pastor Stephen. All of the staff at C3 has welcomed me into the church with open arms. Never have I ever felt so much love in a church. I love this place. 

I love my City. I love the busyness. I love the diversity. I love the culture. I love the spirit of New York. I am  so sad to leave but I will be back to embrace all these things I love all over again. Farewell New York! <3

I Am Resilient

Sometimes I put on my tough face and act like everything is fine when it's not. Not that things are terrible, but lately, a lot has been running through my head. Yesterday I was on the show "What Would You Do?" and that was absolutely incredible! I have accepted my stutter and I live with it, but some days, I think about it too much and I start to become not as okay with it. On those days, I tend to slip into my old ways of thinking. Well, today is one of those days; which is odd because I have received so much love and support from my show last night. Today I thought a lot about my sister. Stuttering is genetic and since Joanna is my sister, her future kids have a chance of stuttering. As I am writing this, I have tears in my eyes. I know it isn't my fault if they do but just the thought of them going through what I went through breaks my heart. If they stutter, I will feel so guilty. I don't want Joanna to have to go through the feeling of helplessness that a parent of a kid who stutters goes through. I don't know what it is like to be a parent of a kid who stutters but I am sure it is heart breaking. To see your child go through a daily struggle has to be so difficult and I don't want my sister to go through that. I know she wouldn't care and she would never ever blame me but I would feel so bad. That has been going through my head a lot.
Something else that has been going through my head a lot, love. I am young so I have plenty of time to fall in love but I use to think that guys would never like me because I can't talk right. Well on the days that I tend to slip into my old ways of thinking, I think this. Again, today is one of those days. Yesterday someone told me they would never date me. Today, someone who I thought was kinda into me told me they weren't. It is embarrassing to admit but the first thing that I thought of was "well, if I didn't stutter, they wouldn't say those things." What is wrong with me?! I have come so far from where I was mentally and emotionally 3 years ago. 3 years ago, these were every day thoughts but I just want to get rid of them completely. Stuttering isn't my whole life. It doesn't define who I am. It is a part of my life and has made me a more compassionate and loving person. Would I change it? No. So why am I treating it like it is the enemy? I am not a helpless victim. I was beautifully and wonderfully made by a God who is bigger than anything I go through in life. He gave me stuttering for a reason and I am okay with that. It's just, some days, I get so frustrated that I allow it to have hold over my thoughts. I am constantly telling myself that it is okay to be different. One day, a guy will love me on my fluent and non fluent days. I wish I could pound this into my head! I don't really know how to explain it. I know all of these things but I guess some days I have a hard time believing it. It is like I have an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. The angel is telling me all of these great things and the devil shoots back with all of the negative things.

That was a lot of venting. Basically what I am trying to say is that, I am glad these thoughts are no longer every day thoughts but I really just want to get rid of them completely. I know what the truth is but I think Satan is trying to defeat me. I know not everyone believes what I believe and that is okay but I believe that Satan tries to tear us down to take us away from God. This is his way of trying to turn me away from God. He is putting these horrible thoughts in my head when God is helping me get through the rough times. But in the end, God is powerful and He will always win. I will always have rough days no matter how accepting I am--and I like to think that I am pretty accepting of it; but because of the love from not only God but all of my beautiful and incredible friends, I will get through those days. I am resilient.

Things That Make Me Happy Part II

What can I say? A lot of things make me happy! And I enjoy sharing all of the wonderful things/people in my life. Here's to round two!

(In no particular order)

1. Trader Joe's

Thank you for cheap, healthy, yummy food!

2. Quesadillas

Can I make this all Mexican food? I think I make myself a cheese quesadilla every day. It has become an obsession.

3. Samantha Jane Nelson

Oh my roommate! She is crazy and we are complete opposites but that is why she makes me happy. She brings out my weird crazy side and she is probably the best white girl rapper I know. :)

4. International Phonetic Alphabet

I use to curse this crazy alphabet but now I am obsessed with it! For speech pathology, we use this A LOT! Instead of letters, it is based on sounds. I love writing notes in IPA!

5. These incredible people

I had to use two pictures since I didn't have one picture with everyone. I absolutely adore all my friends in Marymount Christian Fellowship and the Bible Study at the dorms. I love that I can share the most important part of my life with these people. They all have such loving hearts and I love hearing everything and anything they have to say. They make me really happy.

6. 16 Handles

Best.Frozen.Yogurt.Ever.

7. Broadway Shows

I am a New Yorker...it is normal to be completely obsessed with theater...right?

That is all for now! Make sure to check out Part 1! :)

God's Plan is the Best Plan :)

God is funny when it comes to my plans. Some how he always has a way of changing them and proving to me that he has a plan for my life and that I need to trust him with everything. So here it is...

A few blog posts ago I posted that I am permanently moving from Leesport, PA to New York City.

Well, I'm not.

After praying about it for a while and talking it over with my mom, I felt God calling me to stay in the Marymount housing and continue what I am doing. For those of you who don't know, a few of us at the dorms started a Bible Study. It is so encouraging to meet every Tuesday with some of my best friends and grow in Christ and fellowship with one another. I truly believe that God is calling me to continue that.

I will be returning to PA in May and staying there in the summer. I will (hopefully) be working and I plan to make time to visit with a lot of my friends I made at school. A few of my friends only live within a few hours away from me so we will definitely be planning a lot of hang outs throughout the summer.

I have grown close with and built a community with a lot of fellow believers this semester and it is awesome to have people around me who I can share the best part of my life with. I have the most in depth, challenging, and incredible conversations with these people. They get me. They understand what I struggle with. They are always asking how they can pray for me. It is awesome.

This post got a bit off topic--let's go back...

God always has a plan. It is funny to me to think about all of the times where I thought I had a plan but God was like "Ha. I don't think so..." and leaded me somewhere else. For example, for the longest time I planned on being a nurse. I was checking out nursing colleges and planning on applying to a bunch of them. Then God led me to speech-pathology which is what I am currently studying. I knew I wanted to do something where I could help people (hence, wanting to do nursing) but I never thought about helping people like me--people who stutter and have been extremely bullied for it. I can help them gain acceptance and help them beat the emotional trauma bullying causes because I have been through it. I can be that example. A leader. A mentor. A speech-language pathologist who simply gets it.

The point is, God is going to lead you where you fit best. Everything happens for a reason. Everything I do, I want to do it for Him. I want to live a life pleasing to Him and that involves following his plan. When I meet Him in Heaven, I want to hear the words:

Well done, my good and faithful servant.

I want to live according to His plan because His plan is the best plan.

Lina Got No Game.

This title will probably be the most ungrammatical sentence you will ever see me write.

But it is true.

I have no game.

I totally act like I have game but I don't. Truth is, I am horrible with relationships. When I am in them, I am fine but it is getting to that point that I am bad at. Here are my usual tactics:

(I do not condone any of these.)

1. Start being interested in a guy.

At this point, I usually just talk about him with my girl friends and I get all giggly when he comes around and does the slightest thing that may show there is a common interest. I am like a 13 year old.

2. Start telling myself there is no way there is a common interest.

I freak out. I tell myself not to get too attached because I have no chance. It may be a confidence thing but I really think it has to do more with fear. I am afraid of rejection. I am one to over analyze things and so I over analyze the worse case scenarios which is why I am in fear of getting attached. (To be clear, this only happens before I find out if there is a common interest or not. When I have a relationship, I don't worry about getting attached or being open with my boyfriend. It is the getting there that is bad.)

3. Friend Zone MYSELF

Yes, you read that correctly. I friend zone myself. I start acting like one of the guys. I have always been friends with guys and I like that. I like playing football and soccer and I'm not afraid to get dirty. However, when I want a guy to see me as more than a friend, that isn't the way to do it. I start using terms like "Dude" and "Yo" which are words you use with your homies--not your potential significant other.

4. Show affection through violence.

I bet you all are laughing at this right now but it is true. And I blame my best friend! We show each other that we care through pushing, shoving, love punches, and basic physical violence. It isn't hard pushing, shoving, punching but it is just our way of hugging and being sweet to each other. This is what I start doing to guys I like--and that isn't good!! I cannot be running into and punching the guy I want something more with. I don't want him as only a friend, therefore, violence cannot happen! I know my best friend cares about me when he messes with me and he knows I care about him when I punch him. (Oh my goodness, that sounds horrible.) But that doesn't work out well when you want the guy to be your boyfriend.

5. Break my own heart.

At this point, the guy just wants me as a friend. And I don't blame him. I have shown nothing but friendship to him. I have only shown him my "one of the guys" side--not my "flirty, ask me on a date" side (If that side even exist). So this is the point in which he starts talking to me about other girls. I am his bro now. We are homies. And I am left with a broken heart.

That is my "5 steps to getting a guy NOT to like you." Why am I writing about it? Because it is time I am honest with myself. I am not going to tell myself that I have game because I don't. The funny thing is, I am great with giving advice to my friends about guy stuff but I can't follow my own advice. I know what kind of guy I want--a sweet, kind-hearted, Christian guy who can make me laugh. However, when I find that, I immediately friend zone myself.

One day I will learn how to be girly and flirty.

Or maybe someone will come along who loves my gameless self!

God has a plan. Whatever happens, happens. For now, I will continue to laugh at my lack of game.

:)

Things That Make Me Happy

In no particular order...

1. Veggie Straws

Yeah, they are really good. This is one of my many go to snacks.

2. Marymount Manhattan College

I complain about school and how annoying it is but I am blessed to go to such a great school in an amazing city. I am so thankful for the professors, mentors, and friends I have here.

3. Christian CityChurch (C3 Manhattan)

I am so grateful that God placed me in this church. I have met so many great people and have a new church to call home. I love everything about this church. It is the one place where I can be 100% myself and not be judged or looked down upon.

4. Double stuffed Oreos

These are essential during finals. Yum.

5. These beautiful people.

Yeah, they are pretty great.

6. And these people...

They are always there for me when I need a hug. This past week was rough and I really saw who my real friends are. I love them all.

7. Lifetime Movies

I definitely stayed in bed and watched 6 hours of Lifetime movies yesterday. Love them.

8. New York City

I am in love with this place.

9. My sister, Joanna

Through the years, she has been there for me. She has taught me so much about growing up and being a woman. I look up to her so much and I absolutely adore her.

10. My Mamma

My beautiful, strong, fierce, mamma. She has given me so much to strive to be. I have always been a mamma's girl and I always will be. I love my mother.

So long PA!

What a crazy first semester and break! Living in New York has been full of ups and downs but it has taught me a lot. I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned that I am capable of doing many things and handling many different situations. Some days were hell. My second month living there I cried more times than not. I was constantly getting lost, I got followed at night, and I did not know how to handle certain situations. I was so homesick! I just wanted to be back in my parents' house and cuddled up with my mother! I went home for Columbus Day weekend and came back feeling a lot better. I'm not sure what it was but I think just being home for a weekend, back in my comfort zone, is what I needed. I didn't consider New York "home" until the 3rd month.Things still weren't perfect, but what home is perfect? What situation has no flaws? Life is full of flaws but it is seeing the good in the bad that makes something positive.

By the end of the 3rd month into the 4th, I was a New Yorker. I LOVED it. I was finally happy. I had established a great group of friends, I was involved in church, small group, Our Time, and yoga. I found my place just as Winter break was approaching. I was so sad to leave New York. My last weekend before break was the BEST weekend I have had. I spent a lot of time with my friends and had a chill movie day on Sunday which was needed with finals week. I left on a Tuesday and was incredibly sad.

Winter break has been...boring..but it has been good. It has allowed me time to chill and think about what I want. It also has given me time to move on from some people and things that have been causing me confusion over the past four months. The first week in PA, I caught up with a lot of my old friends. I haven't seen a lot of them since I moved so it was good to catch up. My sister was home as well and it was great to hang out with her. She and I bonded A LOT over break. We had so many heart to hearts and amazing conversations that left us laughing and opening up to one another. I love my sister. She left to go back to school a few days ago and now I am REALLY bored.

I went to New York for a weekend to be on the Our Time Alumni Panel and got speak to parents of kids who stutter about what it is like growing up with a stutter. I got to see some old alumni which was awesome! I spent the weekend with one of my best friends, Alison. She and I met when I first joined Our Time in 2010. She is like a sister to me. I tell her everything and it was so great to be with her family for the night. While I was in New York that weekend, I went to my church and then saw Memphis on Broadway with Adam Pascal. I had the pleasure of working with Adam on an Our Time music video. He got my family and I front row seats to see Memphis and it was so awesome to see him perform and go backstage and talk with him for a bit! Memphis was amazing! Go see it right now!
So I have been home for a month and have another 8 days to go. And, this is probably my last long period of time at home. Because....I am moving to New York permanently. In May, I will be moving from Pennsylvania to New York. I am beyond excited! A few things need to happen first like, finding a place, but if all works out, I will be moving as soon as the semester is over!

It's crazy to think that I will be living on my own in a few months. I am excited and nervous at the same time. Who knows what this summer will bring! Here's to new experiences and making New York my permanent home. So long Pennsylvania!