Breaking the Silence

I haven't blogged since September. Whoops. So here I am breaking the silence!

This past weekend as been the best weekend of my life. Through Our Time, I wrote and directed a play and it was performed in New York by professional actors this past weekend. I feel so honored to have had this opportunity. I started the writing process back in August/September and at first I was really frustrated by it. I felt like it was never going to end. I was stressed and felt like my work was no good. I eventually learned to not take anything personally and that all the critiques/advice that was given to me was to make me into a better artist. I met my cast and started rehearsing two weeks ago. The first time I heard all of them sing, I think I stopped breathing. It was incredible to see my play up on its feet. I really cannot explain how talented and wonderful my cast is. They all are the nicest people and the most fun to work with. They took my notes and applied them into their acting without second guessing it. (Ps. I had to really get use to the whole telling adults what to do thing.) On opening night, I was incredibly nervous. Why? I wasn't the one performing. One of my actors told me that once I heard the first laugh, I would relax. He was right. I was nervous that people wouldn't accept my work and low and behold, when I heard them laugh, I started breathing again. On Saturday we had two shows and in between shows I had the opportunity to have dinner with the crew, a couple of my actors, and my fellow writer/director, Salina. It was first time having Thai food and it was delicious. Not only did we eat yummy food but we were able to have some good conversations as well. (And watching a few of them eat extremely spicy thai food and their reactions to it was also a highlight.) At our last show, I was a mess through out the whole thing! It was ridiculous. As soon as the character of Josh sang "Joanna, I am meant to be with you", I started getting a bit emotional. By the curtain call, my eyes were red, wet, and puffy. Through out this experience, I have gained a new found respect for writers and directors; especially writers. I can't imagine having to write and come up with ideas as an every day job. These people are so creative, it blows me away. And directors, it takes leadership and visualization to make a successful production. I am so thankful to have had a cast that made my job so easy! Every run through was better and better.

Now that the show is over, I relpay the memories over and over again in my head. If I had all the money in the world, I wouldn't have had a better cast. They were talented, hilarious, and professional, but most of all, they were kind-hearted people. It killed me to have to say goodbye to them. I will never forget this experience and the knowledge that I have gained. Everyone; cast, crew, set, lights, and costume designers, are "fantabulous". I couldn't have asked for a better team to work with.

If I like you, I'll tell you.

Everybody knows that I am a flirt. Its true. I totally am. However, it gets me into trouble. Most of the time when I am flirting, I don't realize that I am. This tends to make boys think something that isn't true. I'm a pretty honest person and I don't like head games. If I like you, I'll tell you. It kills me to be told that I am leading people on. That is not my intention at all. I have an outgoing and playful personality and it gets mistaken for flirting. I joke around a lot and this can be misinterpreted as hitting on someone. I have learned that I need to watch what I say and watch how I am acting around guys. That sucks. The people that I get accused of flirting with and leading on, are my good friends and the last thing I want them to think is that I want something more. I realized years ago that some guys are super flirty and they are just joking around. I figured guys knew that girls do that, too. I am one of those people. I say really corny pick up lines, I say completely sarcastic remarks like "wow, you are just so smokin' hot!", and I just assume that they know I am joking. Yesterday, I was stunned to hear what one of my friends said. They said that I was leading on this guy and he was a tad bit annoyed and upset that I was flirting with other people. I didn't know what to say except to keep apologizing. I feel awful. I never meant to make anyone upset. I guess I just have to watch what I say and make it even more clear that I am just messing around and being obnoxious.

An Update on My Life

This summer has been SO busy for me. I've spent more time in hotel beds than my own. I started off my journey at Misericordia University in Dallas, PA. I went there for a Discover Speech Pathology program. I want to be a speech pathologist. I have had so many terrbile ones that I want to be the light that people who stutter need. I don't want to fix them or try to hide their stuttering but I want to build up the confidence in them that I never had. This past year is when I found my confidence. Anyways, I came home from that and the next day I left for Virginia Beach. Talk about a LONG drive. Okay so it wasn't too bad but I can not sit still in a car for 6 hours. The beach was beautiful and my sister and I got hit on by cute spanish boys who invited us to play beer pong with them. Don't worry, we declined. I came home from the beach and that next day I left for Cleveland. This has been my favorite adventure so far. The National Stuttering Association Conference was held there. That night, we (Our Time) had a performance. Yeah..that was interesting. I just learned the song that we sang the previous night. Needless to say that my confidence on stage was non existant that night. We also had to read a poem. I have NEVER talked in front of that many people before. It was crazy. I could go on for years about the conference but obviously that would take up too much space. I have never met so many people who stutter before. I then knew that I am not alone and that I have a family who will always be behind me. Anyways, the conference taught me a lot about myself. No matter how badly I stutter or how miserable I feel, I have this new family and new friends that know how I'm feeling. I will not let stuttering hold me back and I will not let it define who I am. I am not alone. Nothing is wrong with me. It is not because I have "social issues". It is not because I am stupid. It is because God made this way and he has blessed me with this gift that I can share with others. Stuttering has made me unique and it has made me more compassionate. I feel blessed to be a person who stutters because I met so many amazing people because of it. Yes, I will have days where I want to cry and I am miserable. But in the end, I know that it is not a curse but a blessing. My next adventure takes me to Chicago. I'm leaving on Thursday. The FRIENDS conference is being held there. Friends stand for something, I just don't remember what it is but it is a stuttering conference as well. I am PUMPED! Then after that, Camp Our Time is here. I have been waiting for this since I joined Our Time in March. My summer has been crazy. I'm living my dream. I'm traveling, singing, and meeting others who stutter. This is the best summer of my life.

My sister.

My sister. Love her. Joanna and I have gone through a lot growing up. With our dad leaving, getting new siblings, and changing schools, we have been through a lot. Growing up, she use to annoy me. Well, I guess I annoyed her. I remember she tricked me into changing rooms with her. She had a closet size room and I had the big one. I don't remember how or what she did to bribe me to change rooms with her but I did. (I think it had something to do with I wouldn't have to clean much.) She was always tricky. Anyways, last year we fought ALL THE TIME. There wasn't one day when we didn't have an argument. I was so excited for her to leave for college. (I know, that sounds really mean!) Now that she is in college, I miss her. We get along great now. This past year, I have seen her grow into an outstanding young adult. Holy cow...she is an ADULT! Now why am I blogging about this? Good question. I'm not sure. I guess I just miss her and have to brag about her to all of you people reading this. =P She has changed a lot in the last year. She isn't the same girl she was in high school and I am so thankful for that. I am so thankful that I have a sister who I can tell everything to. I am so thankful for her. She is now 19, I am now 17. Where did all the years go? What happened to the two little girls who had the chicken pox and decided to have a chicken pox party? (The whole neighborhood had them, so we had a party!) I miss those times. But, I am so glad that we have all those memories together. I'm not sure if she knows this but I look up to her. She is smart, compassionate, flirtatious (I get all my skills from her), and most of all loving. She has taught me how to deal with stupid boys, annoying parents, and how to love people who get on your nerves. I love my sister, and I can't wait until she comes home in June. :)

Well I haven't blogged in a while...

Today I discovered a group on facebook that is called F Jesus Christ. Wow. It seriously broke my heart to see that. It had all of these people bashing Jesus and Christianity in general. They used all of the stereotypes like "Jesus hates gays." "Christians kill the homosexuals" and the most contradicting one "I'm an atheist. Jesus and Christians are the most hypocritical people." What? How does that make sense? You JUST said that you're an atheist then went on to say that Jesus is hypocritical. Atheism is when you don't believe in Jesus, so if Jesus doesn't exist then how is he hypocritical? I am a Christian and I am very proud of that. I've seen Jesus work in my life and make miracles happen. I don't have a problem with homosexuals nor do I judge someone who is having sex outside of marriage. I'm sure some Christians do, but I am not one of those Christians. I can't stand how atheist or people who don't believe in God say that Christians are all judgmental yet these atheists judge Christians. I don't hate gays, in fact I have a lot of gay friends. Jesus loved everyone. He actually hung out with the thieves and the prostitutes and the other "non Christian" type people. He never judged but instead he loved. I try my hardest not to judge people and love them for who they are. I think some Christians shove Jesus down people's throats and that is why they get turned off. Saying stuff like "You're going to hell" isn't very Christian like and it isn't showing God's love. Now I am not here trying to preach a lesson saying what you should and shouldn't do because I admit that I am guilty of doing that. I remember like 4 years ago I was having a conversation with some non-Christians and I really did shove Jesus down their throats. I regret that and I have definitely come a long way from that. In this facebook group it said something about how there is no proof that Jesus existed. You're right. There isn't physical proof. There isn't like Jesus' bones laying in Jerusalem or his DNA anywhere but there is the Bible. I know people think that the Bible isn't truthful or that it what made up but I guess that it just takes faith. Faith. That was another thing the group talked about. They had a quote on there saying "Faith isn't finding the answer, it is the stopping of asking questions." To be honest, I still ask questions. I still challenge God to show me he is real. Now I truly believe that he does exist but some days when I am praying, I feel like I'm talking to the ceiling or the wall. I don't think I will ever stop asking questions. Not necessarily about his existence but just about how everything came to be.

I believe in God. I strive to live for God. I have morals and I have values. But just because I am this way, doesn't mean that I dislike everyone who isn't like me. In fact, I LOVE learning about other religions. I like hearing people's opinions on Christianity. I don't start spitting out facts or anything but I sit there and listen and ask questions. This facebook group...it breaks my heart that people judge Christians like that. We all aren't cruel and hypocritical or judgmental. God tells us to love others and that is what I am trying to do. I want to love the people who I disagree with and the people who are complete opposite of me. I want to love like Jesus loved.

A VERY Exciting Opportunity

My whole life I felt like I had to hide my stuttering. Like if anyone knew, they would avoid me as if I had an infectious disease. It is embarrassing to talk to people and when you stutter they look at you like your stupid. Most people don't know this but stuttering is neurological NOT a social disorder. It isn't because of stress or because we can't handle the world as it is. It is a gene which they just recently discovered. Anyways...

I am a very arsty person. I love to sing, dance, and act. I also LOVE to write my own music. Now being a stutterer, I automatically think "Oh. I can't act. I stutter." Then I met Taro.

I went to a re-evaluation for my speech last month at Misericordia University. It was terrifying. I had to call random places and talk to random people and ask questions. After I got hung up on, asked "what?" like 10 times, and stuttered the most I have ever stuttered, the speech guy handed me a brochure. On the front it said Camp Our Time. After reading it for a little bit, I soon came to find that it was a summer camp for kids who stutter. My mom started researching Our Time and came to find out that they also have a theater company in NYC for teens who stutter and want to act without any pressure. They meet every Saturday from October to June. Without me knowing, my mom started emailing some of the staff who then got her in touch with the founder Taro. Taro said he wanted to meet with me. So this past Friday I went up to NYC and met with Taro.

Taro also stutters and it was amazing to hear all the stuff he did. He didn't let his stuttering define him. We talked and at the end of the meeting, he told me that he wanted me in their Saturday program! :) :)

He told me that in June, they perform on stage, with all of the stuff...like costumes, sets, and lights. This is amazing. I squealed like a little kid! This is such a great opportunity for me and all of the other teens in the world who stutter. I also just learned that over 3 million Americans stutter. That blew my mind. I use to feel alone...like no one understood me but now with this group, I can be ME and I don't have to hide my stuttering.

This theater company is pretty popular. Celebrities come out to the performances such as Sarah Jessica Parker, Diane Sawyer, Bill Cosby, Lauren Graham, Carly Simon and many more. It is great to hear that celebrities have an interest in stuttering. I don't know who all is reading this but if you want more information you can go to www.ourtimetheater.org

Fighting With The Ones We Care For The Most

This has been making me crazy for the past couple of months. Why do we fight and argue with the people we care about the most? I have heard different theories and thoughts but this is what I came up with. It is because we know that they will love us no matter what. A good friend and I have been at it for basically since we became friends. We fight over stupid things and it drives me nuts. We are two different people and have complete opposite opinions. Somebody asked me "If you two fight so much, then why are you friends?" To be honest, I don't know. It would be easy to just say forget it. But I don't want to because we have had just as many great times as we had bad ones. And the great times over write the bad. I think we continue to be stubborn people because we care about each other and we know that we will always have each other's back. It is how we work. We fight, we make up. It is an on going cycle. Now some of you might say "Well that isn't very healthy." And you are probably right. It isn't. But I think the most important thing is that we get through...every single time. Everyone fights with the people they care about. Whether it is your parents, a husband, a wife, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, or like in my case a best friend. It is bound to happen. I think the most important thing to do is to just dwell on all of the good times you had together and not live with holding a grudge. I admit, I do that as well. Like I will say "You really hurt me when you did this..." And the truth of the matter is, that happened a year ago. It is time to move on.

So basically the moral of this blog is to forgive and cherish the people you care about even when you fight and argue.