I Am Resilient

Sometimes I put on my tough face and act like everything is fine when it's not. Not that things are terrible, but lately, a lot has been running through my head. Yesterday I was on the show "What Would You Do?" and that was absolutely incredible! I have accepted my stutter and I live with it, but some days, I think about it too much and I start to become not as okay with it. On those days, I tend to slip into my old ways of thinking. Well, today is one of those days; which is odd because I have received so much love and support from my show last night. Today I thought a lot about my sister. Stuttering is genetic and since Joanna is my sister, her future kids have a chance of stuttering. As I am writing this, I have tears in my eyes. I know it isn't my fault if they do but just the thought of them going through what I went through breaks my heart. If they stutter, I will feel so guilty. I don't want Joanna to have to go through the feeling of helplessness that a parent of a kid who stutters goes through. I don't know what it is like to be a parent of a kid who stutters but I am sure it is heart breaking. To see your child go through a daily struggle has to be so difficult and I don't want my sister to go through that. I know she wouldn't care and she would never ever blame me but I would feel so bad. That has been going through my head a lot.
Something else that has been going through my head a lot, love. I am young so I have plenty of time to fall in love but I use to think that guys would never like me because I can't talk right. Well on the days that I tend to slip into my old ways of thinking, I think this. Again, today is one of those days. Yesterday someone told me they would never date me. Today, someone who I thought was kinda into me told me they weren't. It is embarrassing to admit but the first thing that I thought of was "well, if I didn't stutter, they wouldn't say those things." What is wrong with me?! I have come so far from where I was mentally and emotionally 3 years ago. 3 years ago, these were every day thoughts but I just want to get rid of them completely. Stuttering isn't my whole life. It doesn't define who I am. It is a part of my life and has made me a more compassionate and loving person. Would I change it? No. So why am I treating it like it is the enemy? I am not a helpless victim. I was beautifully and wonderfully made by a God who is bigger than anything I go through in life. He gave me stuttering for a reason and I am okay with that. It's just, some days, I get so frustrated that I allow it to have hold over my thoughts. I am constantly telling myself that it is okay to be different. One day, a guy will love me on my fluent and non fluent days. I wish I could pound this into my head! I don't really know how to explain it. I know all of these things but I guess some days I have a hard time believing it. It is like I have an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. The angel is telling me all of these great things and the devil shoots back with all of the negative things.

That was a lot of venting. Basically what I am trying to say is that, I am glad these thoughts are no longer every day thoughts but I really just want to get rid of them completely. I know what the truth is but I think Satan is trying to defeat me. I know not everyone believes what I believe and that is okay but I believe that Satan tries to tear us down to take us away from God. This is his way of trying to turn me away from God. He is putting these horrible thoughts in my head when God is helping me get through the rough times. But in the end, God is powerful and He will always win. I will always have rough days no matter how accepting I am--and I like to think that I am pretty accepting of it; but because of the love from not only God but all of my beautiful and incredible friends, I will get through those days. I am resilient.