God's Plan is the Best Plan :)

God is funny when it comes to my plans. Some how he always has a way of changing them and proving to me that he has a plan for my life and that I need to trust him with everything. So here it is...

A few blog posts ago I posted that I am permanently moving from Leesport, PA to New York City.

Well, I'm not.

After praying about it for a while and talking it over with my mom, I felt God calling me to stay in the Marymount housing and continue what I am doing. For those of you who don't know, a few of us at the dorms started a Bible Study. It is so encouraging to meet every Tuesday with some of my best friends and grow in Christ and fellowship with one another. I truly believe that God is calling me to continue that.

I will be returning to PA in May and staying there in the summer. I will (hopefully) be working and I plan to make time to visit with a lot of my friends I made at school. A few of my friends only live within a few hours away from me so we will definitely be planning a lot of hang outs throughout the summer.

I have grown close with and built a community with a lot of fellow believers this semester and it is awesome to have people around me who I can share the best part of my life with. I have the most in depth, challenging, and incredible conversations with these people. They get me. They understand what I struggle with. They are always asking how they can pray for me. It is awesome.

This post got a bit off topic--let's go back...

God always has a plan. It is funny to me to think about all of the times where I thought I had a plan but God was like "Ha. I don't think so..." and leaded me somewhere else. For example, for the longest time I planned on being a nurse. I was checking out nursing colleges and planning on applying to a bunch of them. Then God led me to speech-pathology which is what I am currently studying. I knew I wanted to do something where I could help people (hence, wanting to do nursing) but I never thought about helping people like me--people who stutter and have been extremely bullied for it. I can help them gain acceptance and help them beat the emotional trauma bullying causes because I have been through it. I can be that example. A leader. A mentor. A speech-language pathologist who simply gets it.

The point is, God is going to lead you where you fit best. Everything happens for a reason. Everything I do, I want to do it for Him. I want to live a life pleasing to Him and that involves following his plan. When I meet Him in Heaven, I want to hear the words:

Well done, my good and faithful servant.

I want to live according to His plan because His plan is the best plan.

Lina Got No Game.

This title will probably be the most ungrammatical sentence you will ever see me write.

But it is true.

I have no game.

I totally act like I have game but I don't. Truth is, I am horrible with relationships. When I am in them, I am fine but it is getting to that point that I am bad at. Here are my usual tactics:

(I do not condone any of these.)

1. Start being interested in a guy.

At this point, I usually just talk about him with my girl friends and I get all giggly when he comes around and does the slightest thing that may show there is a common interest. I am like a 13 year old.

2. Start telling myself there is no way there is a common interest.

I freak out. I tell myself not to get too attached because I have no chance. It may be a confidence thing but I really think it has to do more with fear. I am afraid of rejection. I am one to over analyze things and so I over analyze the worse case scenarios which is why I am in fear of getting attached. (To be clear, this only happens before I find out if there is a common interest or not. When I have a relationship, I don't worry about getting attached or being open with my boyfriend. It is the getting there that is bad.)

3. Friend Zone MYSELF

Yes, you read that correctly. I friend zone myself. I start acting like one of the guys. I have always been friends with guys and I like that. I like playing football and soccer and I'm not afraid to get dirty. However, when I want a guy to see me as more than a friend, that isn't the way to do it. I start using terms like "Dude" and "Yo" which are words you use with your homies--not your potential significant other.

4. Show affection through violence.

I bet you all are laughing at this right now but it is true. And I blame my best friend! We show each other that we care through pushing, shoving, love punches, and basic physical violence. It isn't hard pushing, shoving, punching but it is just our way of hugging and being sweet to each other. This is what I start doing to guys I like--and that isn't good!! I cannot be running into and punching the guy I want something more with. I don't want him as only a friend, therefore, violence cannot happen! I know my best friend cares about me when he messes with me and he knows I care about him when I punch him. (Oh my goodness, that sounds horrible.) But that doesn't work out well when you want the guy to be your boyfriend.

5. Break my own heart.

At this point, the guy just wants me as a friend. And I don't blame him. I have shown nothing but friendship to him. I have only shown him my "one of the guys" side--not my "flirty, ask me on a date" side (If that side even exist). So this is the point in which he starts talking to me about other girls. I am his bro now. We are homies. And I am left with a broken heart.

That is my "5 steps to getting a guy NOT to like you." Why am I writing about it? Because it is time I am honest with myself. I am not going to tell myself that I have game because I don't. The funny thing is, I am great with giving advice to my friends about guy stuff but I can't follow my own advice. I know what kind of guy I want--a sweet, kind-hearted, Christian guy who can make me laugh. However, when I find that, I immediately friend zone myself.

One day I will learn how to be girly and flirty.

Or maybe someone will come along who loves my gameless self!

God has a plan. Whatever happens, happens. For now, I will continue to laugh at my lack of game.

:)

Things That Make Me Happy

In no particular order...

1. Veggie Straws

Yeah, they are really good. This is one of my many go to snacks.

2. Marymount Manhattan College

I complain about school and how annoying it is but I am blessed to go to such a great school in an amazing city. I am so thankful for the professors, mentors, and friends I have here.

3. Christian CityChurch (C3 Manhattan)

I am so grateful that God placed me in this church. I have met so many great people and have a new church to call home. I love everything about this church. It is the one place where I can be 100% myself and not be judged or looked down upon.

4. Double stuffed Oreos

These are essential during finals. Yum.

5. These beautiful people.

Yeah, they are pretty great.

6. And these people...

They are always there for me when I need a hug. This past week was rough and I really saw who my real friends are. I love them all.

7. Lifetime Movies

I definitely stayed in bed and watched 6 hours of Lifetime movies yesterday. Love them.

8. New York City

I am in love with this place.

9. My sister, Joanna

Through the years, she has been there for me. She has taught me so much about growing up and being a woman. I look up to her so much and I absolutely adore her.

10. My Mamma

My beautiful, strong, fierce, mamma. She has given me so much to strive to be. I have always been a mamma's girl and I always will be. I love my mother.

So long PA!

What a crazy first semester and break! Living in New York has been full of ups and downs but it has taught me a lot. I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned that I am capable of doing many things and handling many different situations. Some days were hell. My second month living there I cried more times than not. I was constantly getting lost, I got followed at night, and I did not know how to handle certain situations. I was so homesick! I just wanted to be back in my parents' house and cuddled up with my mother! I went home for Columbus Day weekend and came back feeling a lot better. I'm not sure what it was but I think just being home for a weekend, back in my comfort zone, is what I needed. I didn't consider New York "home" until the 3rd month.Things still weren't perfect, but what home is perfect? What situation has no flaws? Life is full of flaws but it is seeing the good in the bad that makes something positive.

By the end of the 3rd month into the 4th, I was a New Yorker. I LOVED it. I was finally happy. I had established a great group of friends, I was involved in church, small group, Our Time, and yoga. I found my place just as Winter break was approaching. I was so sad to leave New York. My last weekend before break was the BEST weekend I have had. I spent a lot of time with my friends and had a chill movie day on Sunday which was needed with finals week. I left on a Tuesday and was incredibly sad.

Winter break has been...boring..but it has been good. It has allowed me time to chill and think about what I want. It also has given me time to move on from some people and things that have been causing me confusion over the past four months. The first week in PA, I caught up with a lot of my old friends. I haven't seen a lot of them since I moved so it was good to catch up. My sister was home as well and it was great to hang out with her. She and I bonded A LOT over break. We had so many heart to hearts and amazing conversations that left us laughing and opening up to one another. I love my sister. She left to go back to school a few days ago and now I am REALLY bored.

I went to New York for a weekend to be on the Our Time Alumni Panel and got speak to parents of kids who stutter about what it is like growing up with a stutter. I got to see some old alumni which was awesome! I spent the weekend with one of my best friends, Alison. She and I met when I first joined Our Time in 2010. She is like a sister to me. I tell her everything and it was so great to be with her family for the night. While I was in New York that weekend, I went to my church and then saw Memphis on Broadway with Adam Pascal. I had the pleasure of working with Adam on an Our Time music video. He got my family and I front row seats to see Memphis and it was so awesome to see him perform and go backstage and talk with him for a bit! Memphis was amazing! Go see it right now!
So I have been home for a month and have another 8 days to go. And, this is probably my last long period of time at home. Because....I am moving to New York permanently. In May, I will be moving from Pennsylvania to New York. I am beyond excited! A few things need to happen first like, finding a place, but if all works out, I will be moving as soon as the semester is over!

It's crazy to think that I will be living on my own in a few months. I am excited and nervous at the same time. Who knows what this summer will bring! Here's to new experiences and making New York my permanent home. So long Pennsylvania!

You're no prince, but I think I like it like that

I grew up always wanting a prince. I envisioned him as this perfect tall dark and handsome man who would sweep me off my feet, who would have perfect fashion sense (princes do not dress poorly!) and who would do me no wrong. I'm sure most girls grew up wanting this and they might still do. I did--up until a few days ago. I was sitting in my room writing music. I haven't written in a while so I was going through some writer's block. I started thinking about the people in my life...more specifically the males. I don't have any special someone in my life right now--just some really great guy friends. I thought about them individually and I thought of men together as a whole. I realized that I could name at least one 'fault' about every man I knew. I then caught myself thinking "one day I will meet my perfect man". I realized how horrible and unrealistic that sounds. I realized that I expect men to be perfect, to be a prince. I automatically felt really ashamed that I put that much pressure on the men in my life now and the men who will be in my future. I am not perfect so who am I to expect my counter part to be perfect? This came into context this past week. My friend and I have been going through a rough patch. Things still aren't fixed but I realized that I was about to give up on our friendship because we are going through ONE hard time. Who am I?? Why am I being so...bratty? People aren't perfect, friendships aren't perfect. Yet, there I was, about to quit on someone who has been so great to me this past year or so of our friendship.

I love fairytales. I have a Disney princess poster hanging on my wall at school. I am constantly watching Disney movies. This next semester I am taking a class on fairytales. I LOVE them. But, they don't exist. I am no perfect princess. I mess up. I say and do things without thinking. I hurt people who I love. Because I am this way, I can't expect a man NOT to be this way. The man I eventually fall in love with and marry will at times hurt my feelings. And I'm sure I will hurt his. We will fight. We won't be perfect. He will be no prince, but I think I like it like that. I am not perfect and if he was, I would feel horrible that I cannot live up to his perfection. We will fight, we will hurt each other's feelings, we will say things we don't mean. But that is life. That is how people work. And now that I am realizing all of this, it makes me hopeful. I don't have to be perfect and whatever man is in my future does not have to be a prince.

New post?! Whoa!

I don't post a lot. Honestly, I totally forgot about my blog. But today as I woke up from the sound of shattered glass (my roommate's mirror broke) and couldn't fall back asleep, I was reminded that I have one week left until I go home for a month. ONE WEEK. A lot of people are excited about break. Me, well I have mixed feelings about it. I am excited to see my family and my best friends and go home to my little town. At the same time, I'm sad to leave New York and everything that is good here. I live in the perfect location, I am surrounded by everything (Pinkberry is one block away!) and well, let's be honest, Pennsylvania is boring. Don't get me wrong, I love my hometown. But compared to the city, there is nothing to do. Another things is, my friends. I don't want to leave them for a MONTH. That is a long time especially since some of them I hang out with 3 or 4 times a week. Another thing I don't want to leave...yoga. I NEVER thought I would get into yoga. But I have and I have fallen in love. I take classes 3 times a week downtown and I absolutely love it. It is so great to exercise and work and relax all at the same time. It is amazing what yoga can do for the body. I don't want to leave that! Also, church. I JUST found a church. (Literally two weeks ago..) It is such a great place and it fits me perfectly! I don't want to leave when I just found the place! And the last thing I am sad to leave...Our Time. These past few months, I have been volunteering for Our Time every week. I love seeing the kids create and write and be so confident. I was not confident at the age and it warms my heart to see them each week write incredible songs, plays, or poems. I look forward to Our Time every week. The kids just mean so much to me and the fact that I have to leave that for a month makes me really sad. It isn't only the kids, it is the other volunteers, too. Some of them have become my closest friends in the city. It will be sad not to see them and work with them every week. So this is my last week. Today is my last Tuesday yoga class. Tomorrow will be my last small group. And Saturday...my last Our Time. I know it isn't forever but a month to me seems like such a long time! It was a rough semester, I will be honest. But lately it has been so good. I love where I live and the people I am blessed to be friends with. It will be a long month away from all of this. See you later New York.

I can't think of a title..

That's my new home. Well, it's the view from my window anyways. I'm now one of the zillion people who live in New York City. I'm going on Week 4 and well, it's been interesting.

I've always loved the City. The first time I came here, I told my parents that I will live here. And now I do and it's awesome.

This past week it seems as if my life keeps taking a turn in the opposite direction that I want it to. One bad things keeps happening after the other. When I think, "well, it can't get any worse than this", it does. I think I have cried more this past week than I have in the past few months. I know that everything happens for a reason but I just can't seem to find the reason for my having a horrible week. This is usually the part where a person tells of all the bad things that have been going on. I'm not. I don't want your pity. The bad things aren't even the point of this blog post.

I was walking to school today and was not in a good mood. I was tired, upset, and really not in the mood to sit through my math class. There are always people on the streets handing out fliers or postcards or some sort of advertisement. I never stop and take what they are handing out. There was an older gentlemen on the same block as my school, handing out something. I don't know why, but I stopped and took out my headphones and listened to what the man had to say. He was handing out copies of the New Testament and looked me right in the eyes and said "God loves you. Have a great day" It wasn't much, in fact I really can't remember what the man looked like. It was just a reminder that God is bigger than all this. God is bigger than all my worries. I really think that God is the one who told me to stop and listen to the man. I really think that God put that man there at the time I had to go to class for a reason. I needed to be reminded that I have a loving God.

Life is going to be difficult. I'm going to have horrible weeks. But I need to lean on my faith and know that everything will work out.